Day 310

I sweated and groaned at physical therapy. Oh wow, how fast the tone goes with sitting. I will keep up with the daily need for core strength. It only takes twenty minutes. Lunch was meaningful. Michele and I have a connection and I enjoy her company plus the veggie burger was delicious. This morning I will get out and fill the green bin before the rain starts again. Later, Seaquake with Rosalie and Karen for a pint and lunch. Best way to end 2019.

Day 309

Sunday was quiet. No morning prayer. Lots of food and TV. Physical therapy at 10. I have not done my homework. I have walked or rebounded but no mat has hit the floor. I will start over and do better. I cleaned out a couple of upper kitchen cupboards and now the lower ones need attention. I do enjoy simplifying. Today I want to get a watering can or short hose for use in the greenhouse. I have carrots, beets, and spinach coming up.

Day 308

Michelle was alone at the CofC so I went for an hour so she could have a break. It was busy and I’m glad I did a good deed. I got a  haircut from the salon down the street. I like it. It’s what I asked for: a 1970’s shag with a curly top and a mane. I took the fat off the broth and filled the crockpot with every bean and pea in the drawer. Today is morning prayer and I may go.

Day 307

CofC was a bore and I came home early. I did get two good walks and  shiny new toilet! Now I want a new shower stall. And a new bedspread. It’s time for me to get anything I have wanted and put off getting. Today I’m going to find a haircut person. I have been putting that off too. The bean soup will start as soon as I get the ham out of the broth. The broth is my favorite part. Life is good.

Day 306

Yesterday I filled the green bin from the back yard. The ham bone is simmering and I can smell it! It will cook for another day to make bone broth and then Oh boy, bean soup. It’s my favorite part of the holiday meal. Today is CofC duty. I’m looking forward to going and being there for visitors questions. I use my resources and like it. Later, new toilet! Nothing wrong with the old one. I just want a new one. Onward and upward.

Day 305

Cold and dry today. After a restless night and headache, I want an active day. I want to fill the green bin with pruning and weeds. Hollie will come to collect leftovers and there is a lot of ham! I’m waiting for the bone to be uncovered and into the crockpot for bone broth and all the legumes I can find. My favorite part of holiday meals is the soup. Megan’s delicious pecan pie and ice cream with caramel sauce is on the menu.

Day 304

Today I’m feeling less fragile and I credit a very long night for it. I’m sorry to miss church, especially since I had invited Carrie. I asked Gayle to take care of her. From 5:30 PM until 6 AM, I slept. Karen’s massage helped but the struggle was too much. Today my head is clear and not hurting. Megan will come over at 10 to put the ham in the oven. Our menu is simple, roast vegetables and bone in ham. So, Merry Christmas

Day 303

I went to bed early after a busy day of housework and walking. Woke up with a headache. Coffee is helping. Hollie will come early and we will do our whirlwind shopping for Christmas dinner. We make up the menu as we go along. Then Karen can help me with her deep massage and extras like hot rocks and reiki. Church starts at 7 PM. Hope I make it but I won’t push myself if I’m not feeling well. The church will be beautiful.

Day 302

Yesterday was the best day in months. I want more of the good stuff. Today I will do housework and walk too. No rain expected and I am glad for it. There are activities I want to pursue that need my clear head and willing body. Writing keeps calling and  I keep procrastinating. The prompt about work history is writing itself in my head. Time to start putting it on paper. Watercolor stuff is sitting on the table too. I want to be creative.

Day 301

Deep long sleep and woke up with no headache! The rainy day TV binge worked. Since Megan gave me Netflix, I have new programs to watch. Church this morning will be officiated by our visiting priest. The couple will be here until March. Our good fortune. Maybe I’ll get out later for a walk if the rain stops long enough. I don’t want another full day of sitting. The greenhouse needs to be watered so the crop can do its best in the cold.

Day 300

Not feeling well, headache, shaky with no obvious symptoms. . Not well yesterday either but I did what I said I would do. The CofC was busier than I expected with the city Christmas party and the double board meeting. I enjoyed the visitors too. I like being there. Today I won’t get dressed. Being buried in a blanket and staring at TV will help me get well. I have ingredients for a beef vegetable soup and that may be my only work today.

Day 299

The physical therapy session showed my sloth to what I know I need to do.  I’m back at it with vigor. I want to be strong so I can continue to do what I want to do. Two hour lunch with Rosalie is the best therapy. We hold each other up. Her dog went a short time ago and her reasons were the same. It was time to let the dogs go and stop struggling. Today is C0fC and it will be quiet.

Day 298

Della went quietly and peacefully thanks to the vet and the staff. I just couldn’t let her struggle with her limitations any longer. Hollie and Megan were solid support for the appointment. Jake and Minnie are very subdued. They are trying to figure it out. Today I have physical therapy and then the good stuff, lunch with Rosalie. It’s wet out and I will walk anyway. I won’t melt. I need to push myself more. It’s too easy to fall into the comfort zone.

Day 297

Another poor night and feeling unwell. Achy and low energy. I have a sad duty this afternoon when I ask the vet to send Della to her ancestors. She is not enjoying anything and cries all the time. I’m sure she will be better off in dog heaven. The physical therapy session amounted to getting back to core conditioning. It is what I need to get stronger and keep balance and walking. I want to be as well as possible. It’s up to me

Day 296

Poor sleep, achy head. Coffee helped but the body ain’t happy. I did walk yesterday, visited he museum for  catch-up and  did minor shopping. This morning I have a physical therapy appointment that Dr. V. ordered in October! I don’t know what to expect for exercises for balance and walking. Later I want a nap or at least a rest. Food was on plan yesterday and I liked it. I enjoyed the time with Hollie. She is a delight. I count on her support.

Day 295

I re-joined the human race again yesterday and enjoyed it. Church was its friendly inclusive self and Karen made cheese cake besides. The political social was well attended and friendly too. I registered the guests and had lots of good catch-up chats. It was the first day all week that I walked and it felt extra good. Today Hollie will come for a visit. I haven’t seen her for over a week and that’s too long. I miss her even though we text often.

Day 294

Nothing popped up. My energy was flat and I let it be all right.  Based on consumption of chips and noodles, I’d say that seasonal depression won the day. The dark heavy wet day just didn’t invite me to move. Today is lighter and I’m hoping that I am too. Church this morning, morning prayer, and I will enjoy being there. Later, Kevin’s launch party for his campaign and I will serve his guests. I like being at socials when I have a job.

Day 293

Cold clear morning after a lot of rain. The CofC was not busy but the people who did come in were interesting and that makes the effort worthwhile. Low energy afternoon and a couple of naps happened. Today I have no agenda and I would like to use it well. I will get out and walk and perhaps some weeds will meet their final resting place. I will water in the greenhouse for the new carrot and beet crop. Something new may pop up.

Day 292

Tea and stories group makes my day. The sharing is amazing and we learn so much about each other in the safety of our trust. Lots of laughing goes on too. Funny family memories and up-to-date anecdotes. Today I will go to the CofC for my volunteer duty. It’s pouring and cold but I will walk anyway. I won’t get much wetter than in and out of the car twice. Later, a quiet afternoon. December is going by fast and I’m glad for it.

Day 291

Jesse found a few places to zap with his nitrogen gun that looked suspicious. No biopsies. On to shopping and back home before the rain started. Felt good to stock up on necessities. Rosalie will pick me up and off to lunch. She has the proof of her book and I’m anxious to see it. She is in a writing phase and maybe it will rub off on  me. Later, tea and stories group will be here. I have cookies ready for my friends.

Day 290

The BOS was interesting and quick. Home before noon.  Out for a walk around the block. Later, Dem committee to hear the candidates and choose for endorsements. I had an opinion and stated it. Very stimulating and I had trouble going to sleep. Minnie hurt Della again. It makes me angry at Minnie and sad for Della. She has no defenses and needs to go to dog heaven. Today I’ll go to the derm for my annual look. I don’t have any skin issues.

Day 289

The CofC volunteer dinner was okay. I enjoy being with the other volunteers but it was not as generous as Sarah’s parties were. Nice to be remembered as the place would not run without us. Today is the only December BOS. Hope to visit with Anne and maybe lunch afterward. Later is a Dem committee meeting with candidate interviews for our endorsement. I hope to get a walk or two and maybe a little house stuff. The greenhouse is put back together and planted.

Day 288

I wish I could report that I had a vigorous day and I can say that I walked around the block. At least I participated in church and like being there. Today I have errands and shopping while we have a dry day.  I want to work in the greenhouse and finish fixing the doorway with a couple of fishing weights. I need to move and get involved in something purposeful or creative but not house work . Come on, girl, find the way.

Day 287

Yesterday started well and dropped  suddenly. I did not go to the farm or the community event. Sat feeling non-specifically unwell. Another day of rest in the rainstorm. Maybe a touch of seasonal depression that I can usually overcome when there is something to do with people. Hoping for a better day today. First church, then, weather dependent, outside for at least a brief walk. I have slept well and wake up bright and moving. Then it  goes away. I don’t like feeling weak.

Day 286

I had a lovely day of playing hooky from the CofC. I did not go out. All my steps were pacing or rebounder and it felt good to rest and enjoy my home. Today I will go to the community Christmas sale at the fairgrounds and help in the Historical Society display. I enjoy it every year. Fine time for seeing people and getting hugs and catch-up conversations. I may go the farm stand first as I would like a bunch of their vegs.

Day 285

Yesterday was the best one in a long time. The cold symptoms that have threatened for a week are dissipating. I had two walks and completed the errands that were on my mind. I secured the shower curtain inside the greenhouse and moved the soil. Now I want a couple of fishing weights to hold it down. I’m staying home today. Shirley quit at the CofC and I was not surprised. She was feeling unsupported. I’m ordering a new toilet. My not-a-christmas-present to myself.

Day 284

I walked the while the dogs were at the spa. Was slow but moving. Was at the beach and didn’t take a photo. Bought a great warm colorful knit hat. Later, I finished taking down the hydrangea plus some of the old roots. The best part was having Art and Ellen come and put the greenhouses back together after the windstorm tore it up. Today I will get the new soil in the planting box and secure the shower curtain over the broken doors.

Day 283

After my massage with Karen, I began to feel better. I’m sure she stimulated my immune system. I slept well and woke up with energy. Yesterday I had two good walks and cleaned out more old stuff. I do enjoy finding a place to purge.. Simple is better. Makes life easier. I have a pan of macro soup for breakfast. It is full of sea minerals, tofu, miso, and vegetables. I’m hoping my body will like it and use it to keep me going.

Day 282

I had a long walk yesterday and enjoyed it: paid my county taxes, water bill, took two checks to the post office and shopped at Safeway. Stopped and visited at the museum and signed up for the community bazar on Saturday. Purged in the kitchen and felt lighter taking the bin out to the curb. Best part was a visit with Michele who came and stayed until the dogs demanded  dinner.  I feel less well with a cold or something trying to get me.

Day 281

At church I was shaky and when Gayle asked if she could walk me home, I agreed. She gave me a lecture on asking for help. No walking. Not enough energy to bundle up, but the watercolor paper is out and paint pans. Don’t know exactly what I want to do. Maybe just put wet stuff on dry stuff. Restless mind wanting an opening to find comfort in the dark time. I’ll get out today with a walk to the post office at least.

Day 280

It was R&R all day and I think it helped as I feel better. I have to remind myself that a day of rest is okay. The soup broth is ready for vegetables and that’s the end of the T-day dinner. Today is church and something else weather dependent. There is repair to do in the greenhouse and I will need help with that. Don’t feel like tackling any housekeeping today. Maybe just poke around for something to create. That is what is missing.

Day 279

It was fun at the visitors center with interesting people and excited tree permit buyers, but I felt ill. I napped in my chair a lot of the evening. I’ve had on and off feelings that I was getting sick but today I admit that I need a day off. I may not get dressed. The only thing I have to do is pick the turkey carcass for dog treat and soup. I’m cold in spite of layers of clothes and that’s not  good.

Day 278

My physical energy was low but my mood was high with Hollie and Megan to laugh with. Chuck did a good job with the turkey and Megan’s fresh pumpkin pie was as star. Lots of left overs and I get the soup. We are always grateful for each other. Today is cold and I will bundle up for my walk to the CofC. It will be busy today with tree permits. I’m looking forward to being out with people. Onward to the December holidays.

Day 277

Thanksgiving and it’s our favorite day to cook together and laugh. There have been years with lots of people and now it’s just the four of us. We buy a small turkey and make mashed potatoes, dressing, and garlic Brussel sprouts. That’s all except tomorrow we will eat Megan’s fresh pumpkin pie. There are so many things and people to be thankful for and right now I’m glad for no headache, warm house, and coffee. It is cold and I might walk bundled up.

Day 276

Wild bomb cyclone yesterday. Spent the day at the window watching the wind and rain. The barometer dropped to the lowest number I have ever seen. I only stepped out to retrieve the trash bins from the curb. I had just put new batteries in my little lantern and lit the wooden wick candle as the power went out. So, I went to bed. This morning is calm and I’m glad. The house is clean, food here for tomorrow and I have no agenda.

Day 275

My mood did not improve until Hollie came and I told her how low I was feeling. It started when Rosalie posted that I could grieve my losses. I cried. I have not let the reality settle in my mind. Then Linda Lee sent a poem about keeping going. Later, Hollie and I went shopping and dinner is already to go. I had low energy and although I cleaned the floors, I didn’t get out for a walk. No go out the door power.

Day 274

Poor restless night and dour mood this morning. Not a propitious start for the day. I confessed to Linda Lee that I have fear of the future since the diagnosis and my increased awareness of how vulnerable and fragile I have begun to feel. So, the antidote is moving and doing something necessary like sweeping the floor. Hollie will visit later and we will make a shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner. I may bundle up for a cold walk. It’s another day of living.

Day 273

Yesterday was a good one! Gee, I like saying that. Drove to the farm comfortably, took on great produce, sat in the car and visited with Hollie and planned for next weeks dinner. Went to two stores and filled my empty clean refrigerator and also racked up 10K steps! Bought the soil for the greenhouse but didn’t find seeds. Art may have some to share. Lots of greetings and hugs. Today is church and I enjoy being there. I am getting healthier..

Day 272

Yesterday started well. I enjoyed he duty at the CofC.  Had a long walk later and then fell into my chair and early to bed. Slept nine hours. Today is cold and clear. I’ll go to the farm stand later and have many errands. I want to get soil to fill in the greenhouse so I can plant carrots and beets again. It’s late but, oh well, it’s going to happen. I hope to spend time with Hollie and find out how she’s doing.

Day 271

Good sleep, good energy. Ready for another positive day. Yesterday I walked on the highway without staring at grills. Maybe it’s fading and I won’t have flashbacks. I pay attention to my walking and feel strong and in control. The cane is handy at crosswalks as maybe drivers will notice it. CofC today. Might be busy with tree permits. Then a walk and nutritious food. I’m through with the carb fest. I fixed the greenhouse door and need to secure it. Glad for it.

Day 270

It was a productive and positive day and I enjoyed every minute. I want to repeat it today. I’m ready to tackle the rest of the cleaning in the greenhouse and get potting soil installed and seeds planted. I will need a hand with the repair of the broken door. I bought a shower curtain and will put it behind the broken part to close it.. More good walking and maybe reach out for company. Open agenda and I’m up for a good day.

Day 269

Yesterday did  improve. Made a plan to fix the greenhouse door and found tools to do it. I need help with the project. Had two good walks and enjoyed the wind. Overate again. The carbs called and I reacted with gusto. Today I will also do things instead of thinking about them. I don’t like the days when I question why I am repeating routines over and over and ask why? Am I just jogging in place until I die?  The journey isn’t over.

Day 268

Yesterday didn’t improve much. I did get two freezing walks and lots of sitting. I plan and don’t follow through. Can’t spend time that way. I will take myself in hand today and have a better review when I’m going to sleep. The car needs exercise. Might just take a ride for 20 minutes to charge the battery. How’s that for an agenda! Last week I had socializing and that is my favorite so maybe it’s time to initiate more fun times with friends.

Day 267

I went to church and visited the neighbors. That’s all. No, I didn’t clean the greenhouse. It’s still waiting for attention. Maybe today I’ll dig up a couple of raspberry canes for Nancy. Aside from delivering a couple of payments, no agenda. I do not want to spend the day sitting. It is dense cold fog again and I do not enjoy going out. Lots of negatives this morning. Hmm. How do I get motivated and moving? Start with a big old protein breakfast.

Day 266

Yesterday was rest and relaxation. I walked with Hollie and by myself too. The best part was napping in my chair with a couple of dogs. I feel great this morning even with an early start, 4:30, thanks to whining from Della. Today is church and Fr. Eric will be here. Then maybe I’ll feel like cleaning the greenhouse and preparing to start lettuce and roots. It is a mess of tomato vines and sneaky raspberry canes. I need to fix the broken door.

Day 265

Yesterday was great and I’m tired this morning. It’s okay. CofC was not busy with visitors but was chatty and that’ fun. The massage was helpful and my body enjoyed every minute. It relaxes the spots that hold tension. Then off to meet Rosalie at Seaquake. We laughed so much that our server commented that she wished she had friends like we are. Many toasts to dear old Fred for two and a half pints of beer. Food was good too. Today many chores.

Day 264

Tea and stories group was profoundly intimate with deeply felt stories and evidence of the trust we have created. They thank me but really, I thank them for the bond we have. It is a gift every time we meet. Today, after CofC, I will go to Karen for a massage and then meet Rosalie at Seaquake for a late lunch. Karen sold Fred’s stamps on her E-bay site and she wants to buy me a pint in his honor. Fred is all gone.

Day 263

Woke up with good physical energy and am ready to take on the day. It is a relief after the low slow yesterday. I enjoyed tomato soup and grilled cheese at seaquake and conversation about writing. We brainstormed about situational stories and she came up with some great scenarios. Today I will get housework out of the way early and hope to spend time with Hollie. We see each other once a week and even though we text, I need face time with her.

What I think happens after we die would be finding a retreat hut in a pine woods. A place of warm days and cool nights near a stream .I would be alone. A tiny three bears house with a bed, cooking needs, a covered porch with a comfortable chair and little else. I don’t want a Kiva experience of sensory deprivation but of a distraction deprivation so no tech stuff at all. No phone, TV, computer or kindle. Not even music. No dogs. My only tool would be a new journal and lots of pens. I would stay there and endure the tantrums that I know would happen when faced with nothing but myself. I would stay until Spirit cleans up all the defenses and withholds and I am empty of the cultural influences, family legacy, personal history, triggers for old tapes, and all other artificial coverings were exposed. I would sit outside and listen to birds, frogs, the water bubbling past, night insects, the breeze in the trees and let my thoughts zoom by like ticker tape until they were tired and went away leaving me with a real self that was born pure and innocent.. When spirit has wrung out the last tear of regret, loss, disappointment, laughed me into a sore belly over the dramas, angst, and worries that were for naught, made my heart smile over the successes, then I can look in a mirror and feel that the inside and the outside were congruent and I enjoy my unblemished soul. Then I would find my grandparents. In life I had no knowledge of my forebears. Questions were not answered until I stopped asking. Ancestry was no help so I want to go to the sources. Hearing their stories and those of their grandcestors would help with understanding  how I came to be as I am. I’ll tell my story as well as I can so they can see how the line progressed. After learning from them, I will go back as far as history allows. Maybe all the way to Noah as my great-grandcestor. His grandson Ashkenaz was the founder of my ancestral tribe: Ashkenazi Jew in southern Germany after the diaspora that broke up Israel and sent the tribes away. Perhaps when all this learning has created understanding of this life, I would be ready to come back again.

Day 262

The BOS was mildly interesting. The Olympics opening ceremony will feature the boat story. That is exciting. Anne didn’t want to go to lunch so I had leftover soup instead. Today I will have lunch with Michele and that will be a treat. This cold fog is bad for my joints and bones. Makes me want to curl up with a couple of dogs and cuddle. I have writing to do for tomorrow’s tea and stories group. I have it written in my head.

Day 261

The parade was a great event. Lots of hugs and catch-up conversations. I like that. It’s my favorite and gives me the belonging feeling that I like. I was tired when I got home and rested for a couple of hours and out again for green bananas. Today is BOS and I plan to ask Jay for help with the neighborhood problem. The mess across the street is getting out of hand. The neighbors complain but won’t do anything about it so I will.

Day 260

Veterans’ day parade and I will participate. I like being part of the group. Lots of candy will be given to children but I will give mine to elders and vets. I did that last year and liked the response. Yesterday I was shaky and slow. Might be part of the brain thing or just because. I walked around the short block and was happy with it. The coffee  hour at church was interesting and fun.  I enjoy the family feeling. I belong there.

Day 259

Fr. Tom will officiate today. I like him and his social justice sermons and he is also an octogenarian. No fog this morning and it makes a difference to my mood. Hope for a good long walk after church. Yesterday I had a weak spell on the way home from getting my prescription at Walgreen’s. I dislike that all over struggle to get home. Soup fixed it. Maybe it was just hunger and not part of the brain thing. I do my best everyday.

Day 258

It was an interesting day at the C0fC with foreign visitors. I enjoy their travel stories. One quick walk was all I could muster but at least I tried. Some days I am reminded of my age and limitations. Today I will drive to the farm stand. Need vegs and need to drive the car. No other agenda. If it gets over 50, I’ll cut down more of the hydrangea. There are always yard chores and nobody is going to do it for me.

Day 257

Another day to bundle up before walking to the CofC. I’m looking forward to getting out and doing something with people. I don’t do well with too much time alone in the house. It is clean and neat and I don’t even have any clutter to tame. I looked at old writing and decided that maybe I could fictionalize the one I named Smorgasbord. I enjoyed writing it as it chronicles much of my connections with men. I could easily embellish it with backstories.

Day 256

I admit to feeling relieved when Michele let me know that she wasn’t well and wanted a raincheck on lunch. I had no energy or motivation to move. Some days are blah and I need to let that be okay. Today I’m a bundle of brooms, dust mops, and vacuum cleaners. Laundry done, put away, counters wiped and sinks clean. Now I don’t mind sitting awhile. The heavy cold fog is a bit lighter and maybe it will get past 40 degrees today.

Day 255

Cold foggy morning. Yesterday was freezing and I had the warm hat plus two layers of coats and wished I had put on gloves.  I’ll be prepared today to have comfort on my walks. The season changed abruptly. Michele and I plan to meet at the CofC at 1 and she will decide where she wants her birthday lunch. Karen said she sold Fred’s duck decoy for $125. Thanks Fred. Glad to be rid of him. His contribution was teaching me to watch baseball.

Day 254

I did lots better on Monday with a full green bin and a bag of raspberry canes plus two good walks. It was great to go to bed feeling accomplishments. Today, while the dogs as a the groomer, I will do my quick trip through Walmart. I won’t go again until January as I can’t tolerate the Christmas hype. Later I will make plans with Michele for her birthday lunch. We’ll talk about writing. I enjoy her company. My life is full and satisfying.

Day 253

After church and one good walk I sat. Watched old movies and reruns. Meanwhile, it was great weather for getting yard work done. I went to bed with regret. Today I will do a better job with time and effort. Talked with Kelle and she wondered if the shock and strain from the incident with the truck had anything to do with the brain event. I doubt there is any way of knowing.  There is no way of knowing what I can expect now.

Day 252

Two pieces of mail yesterday have me thinking deeply about my future. One was from AARP saying that I need to take their drivers’ course again and the other from the DMV saying I need to renew my drivers’ license before my birthday. I am fairly confident driving in town. Once a month I take the dogs to the groomer and occasional visits to the vet. Sometimes I want more groceries than I want to carry. Otherwise my almost 22 year old car sits.

Day 251

The visitors were interesting and the long walk was successful. The weather is holding cool and clear and I want to be outside a lot. No farmers’ market and I miss the socializing part. It is always a place for quick catch-up conversations and hugs. I need to expand my network to find more creative activities. It’s essential in the dark months to have a schedule or I sit too much. I don’t feel like getting committed to serious writing with Amy and Michele.

Day 250

The stories were heart felt and the sharing comes from trust. I enjoy the group so much. Today is CofC. I expect it will be quiet again. It’s still a good volunteer place for visiting with the visitors. I like the stories and when it’s quiet we have time to listen. Later, a good long walk. Yesterday I stayed away from the highway as the doctor suggested and walked to the park. No truck grills to stare at. I will recover from both traumas.

Day 249

Doctor says neither of my issues is fixable. Okay, I can do just fine anyway. The short breath is about a semi-permeable membrane that doesn’t let the oxygen into blood. The collapse was from a micro-vascular event. Low dose aspirin and 12 to 18 months will help. Today is Halloween and my pet peeve is people who call it holloween. I give up. Once a year I get picky. Tea and stories later today. It’s Karen’s birthday. Maybe I’ll provide a cake for us.

I was not ready to retire. My teaching life ended with an injury and I was terminated as the district had no legal obligation to find me a place where I could work safely. After a few months of isolation, rejection, depression and physical pain, I woke up to the fact that the rest of my life was open to choices. My curiosity saved my sanity. I started looking around for new activities and new people. I was attracted to a poster from Lighthouse Arts for a childrens’ art class and called the gallery. I asked if the class was open  and would the instructor be  willing to take and old kid with no arts skills. At first the instructor, Doris Dalbec, was hesitant. She was a stranger to me and I to her. I assured her that my art skills would match her students and that I wanted to explore art. She agreed to try it and I showed up with the six and seven year olds. It took the other students a while to not consider me an adult but when I worked with them, they got it. Doris did too and off we went for our lessons. She offered a different  media each week so I was exposed to charcoal, pastels, acrylics. water color, collage, etc. I enjoyed every minute and decided that thanks to Doris taking a chance with me I would go on to take lessons with adults. I became a volunteer at the gallery and was a board member for a time. Later I took another art class at CR with Virginia Brubaker and was the oldest member of the class again but the difference wasn’t as obvious. I am grateful for a stranger who was kind and included me against her first impulse.

Day 248

Woke up to blinking clocks. I’m on schedule, beds made, coffee, banana, blog followed by a shower. Hollie will go with me to Dr. V. at 9 AM. He wants to tell me about the breathing test results. I want to tell him that I’m not over whatever caused the collapse. Later I will go to the downtown market for carrots and greens. Later still, I will have Tracy adjust my neck again. Meanwhile, walking and house stuff will also happen. Life is busy.

Day 247

The day might improve after an awkward start. When I find unfinished chores from yesterday and missed routine things like putting the coffee pot back together and making a mess, I make my self-doubt worse. I feel my confidence deteriorate and know that today I will double check everything I do.  The good news is that I knew when to visit the museum and found Michele in the research room working on her story. I did something right when I set her on course.

Day 246

I dithered about committing to write or at least update old writing and decided to procrastinate. I could ask Amy and Michele to join them on their writing days. When I explained palm-of-the-hand writing to Collective Journey, I felt the stimulation that comes from writing. All I know is that my spark is an ember that needs to glow or be put out. Outside work today. The weather is right for clearing up the yard. I will do it. I need the physical exercise..

Day 245

Best part of yesterday: walk to the farmers’ market with Hollie and walk to the market for lunch with Megan. The wind was more than brisk and actually moved me as I walked later in the day. At the end of the day I felt dissatisfied with my lack of activity and long hours of sitting in front of reruns. My journal is open on the table and collected dust. Opened old writing that I want to add to and turned off the computer.

Day 244

A wind event is predicted so the farmers’ market will be smaller since the tents are in danger. I want potatoes, carrots, and onions for soup so I  hope Ocean Air is there. Yesterday was quiet at the CofC but interesting. Lots of time for conversations with the travelers. I enjoyed two walks that were slow but felt normal, no wobbling. Today I want to work outside. Maybe get the house side leaves off the bird. I like air space next to the house.

Day 243

Another warm fall day coming up. I like to get out and enjoy every minute of it. Today is CofC duty and I’m  ready for a day with interesting people. Chuck and Hollie spent time last evening getting the motion sensor lights adjusted. It takes time to get them aimed properly. The front one was coming on whenever a car or walker came by! Don’t need that. I didn’t get the raspberries moved yesterday so the next week will have that on the agenda.

Day 242

Yesterday was the most normal day I’ve had in weeks. I’d like to do it today. I’m wondering if I helped the healing by admitting that since the incident with the truck I have felt old, vulnerable, and fragile. Saying it out loud made it word ripe. Today is warm and breezy. I have yard work that I want to make get done.. One is moving the raspberry canes so they won’t migrate into the greenhouse, another is reseeding the space in Megan’s yard.

Day 241

The  BOS meeting was interesting and long as expected. I left before it was finished to get to Karen’s for my massage. She does good work for me and I felt stronger and balanced when I walked home. Megan is in such a good place right now. She has past the grieving for her friend and is back on her road. I knew she was better when she started cooking again. It’s a sure sign as is her renewed interest in getting her CPA.

Day 240

The Democrat central committee meetings are so stimulating that I have trouble going to sleep afterwards! There is so much to learn about how things work in local politics. More today with the board of supervisors meeting. The agenda looks interesting and  long. Later, Karen will use her magic to make my body feel better. I don’t like my haircut and won’t go back to that salon. I miss my friend who understood what I wanted. Another unwanted change. Change is inevitable but uncomfortable.

Day 239

I want a good day. What does that mean to me? It would be a day when I did what I said I would do with vigor and enthusiasm. This slow and shaky body doesn’t get me happy. I want to know if it’s fixable or is this the new reality. Whine. One of these days I will own my age and act accordingly without pushing. Meanwhile, I will cut down the limelight today. It is through for the season. The greenhouse needs attention.

Day 238

Morning Prayer today. I like our home-made services even though I prefer communion. I am part of the congregation and realize that my attendance matters to others too. My hope for today is that my physical energy matches with my mental plans. Often lately this doesn’t happen and I sit down when I want to be active. I will get out and walk even if I’m as slow as a turtle. Moving is the way to feel alive and well. The ocean is beautifully active .

Day 237

Quiet day at the CofC. The few visitors were interesting and talkative. I enjoy their stories. Karen and I decided on Mexican lunch and it was delicious. I think I could eat Mexican every day. It’s comfort food. Karen took the painting, the stamps, and the decoy. I had no attachment and actually value the empty space more. Fred was not my favorite person. I want to go to the farmers’ market today. There are only two more for the season. It’s always social.

Day 236

The stories were fun and we laughed a lot. The group is valuable for all of us in our sharing and trust. I told the cake story and made tears about missing Alice. I never had another friend like her or a teaching partner either. Our years were eventful and once in a lifetime. Today is CofC. Michele is coming to visit there and later, Karen and I are having lunch. Karen may want Fred’s old duck stuff to sell on her E-Bay business.

Day 235

Had a good walk before the rain started and then stayed in for the day. I want to make new habits for the inside days including less TV and more moving using the rebounder. It is useful and my joints like it. I went to Tracy for my neck and he wants me to come once more next week. I’m not 100% from the incident on the hill. Today is Tea and stories and I will get cookies plus dusting for my writing friends.

The “first day” prompt brought up a hundred or so flashbacks and I added many to my palm of the hand list. It was difficult to pick one for elaboration. I decided on my first day in a classroom as the teacher.

I completed my junior year at Humboldt in June of 1955 after the long miles of commuting between Scotia and Arcata. College was full of people and moving through classes, learning about teaching. July 1955 I gave birth to twin boys and life became very different with endless baby care and not much else. In 1957, their sister joined them and the world became compacted into the house and babies.

In 1959, I was asked to substitute at Rio Dell school and applied for a provisional credential for that purpose. Aunt Lona was available for baby care and I felt confident with her coming to us. I needed adult time and conversation and using my new untried skills as a teacher. At that time, subs were paid $17.00 a day. When the principal called, I was excited about the change and the experience. So, off I went to teach second grade. The principal took me to the classroom and showed me the lesson plan and left me to lead the class. Suddenly I felt unprepared and when I looked at the kids who were looking at me for guidance, I wanted to go home where I knew how to change diapers and clean the house. I grabbed the lesson plan and off we went to fill the day with learning. Once I took hold, I loved every minute. I realized that this was my skill that I would pursue for my work life.

Until my first full time class in December of 1960, I subbed in two schools. I filled  a notebook with good ideas that I found from experienced teachers. In fact, I learned more from them than I felt I learned at college in the how-to-teach methods classes. It was an excellent way  to start a career and save me from the endless repetition of baby and toddler care. It was stimulating and the connection with teachers was valuable.

Day 234

Rain coming today. Not much to do outside except see Tracy for another adjustment for my neck. Maybe a quick trip to the grocery store. Yesterday I had a good long walk and felt good the whole way. That’s what I want, simple and predictable. I will write for the group tomorrow. I did start a list of first days and it keeps growing. I have had a busy life with lots of exploring along with working, going to school, learning in all ways..

 Rosalie made me beautiful----------------------------------- warm socks.

Day 233

It was a no exercise Monday due to unexpected delays in getting out of the house. It’s okay to have a day off that is not connected to feeling poorly. Rosalie and I had a good lunch at the “office”. That’s what we call Good Harvest because we have done a lot of work on our programs there. Chuck put up a solar light on the front porch and fixed the light by Megan’s door so the dogs can’t trigger it. Both home improvements.

Day 232

After church and coffee hour, I took a walk and it was not okay. It was one of those that make me afraid that I’m not going to make it home. I did get home and sat for the rest of the day. I want to know where my energy goes. I walked slowly and paused when necessary. I want stable abilities and that is not what’s happening. Today I’m going to lunch with Rosalie. She is excellent company and our conversations go everywhere.

Day 231

 Yesterday was a great one. I poked around, shopped, and walked alone to the market, I felt comfortable in my body. Felt more confident. I carried the cane but did not need to use it. I’m getting well again. My body has come back from some other awful conditions and continues to be amazing at recovering. Church today and that’s all for now. May find something else later. There is always yard stuff. I would rather find a people connection for a new activity.

Day 230

I’m glad I went to the social political event. I say NO too often and I can enjoy getting out more. By evening I usually sit back and do nothing and here I was chatting and having a good time. Steve Berg played Here Comes the Sun for me. I enjoyed that too. Today Hollie and I will go to the market. Only a few more Saturdays before the season ends. I enjoy the socializing that comes from knowing people and having quick conversations.

Day 229

Long sleep and busy dreams. I clipped the dead birds and ugly fronds from the bird of paradise. That was it for work. I was seriously lacking in physical energy and sitting was attractive so I did things in small bursts. Two walks around the block and did okay. Today is CofC and I’m looking forward to going. Later, a political social for John Pritchett as he launches his campaign for supervisor. I simply want to feel normal and enjoy my life. Sounds doable.

Day 228

Another beautiful clear and cool morning. I will spend time outside with yard cleaning and walking. Yesterday I walked with confidence and drove comfortably. Completed my errands at Wallys. Enjoyed Sally’s company at Starbucks. She has lots of stories. The floors could use attention with paw prints and dog hair everywhere. Maybe they will get it. I might find something more interesting to do. I have not written my prompt and it will be fun. I’ll start with a list of life’s “first days.”

Day 227

Two hours of the meeting was all I could sit for. Wrangle instead of progress in solving our issues. Ann didn’t stay either. I know that I want to know what’s going on but I obviously have limited patience. Today I’m having coffee with Sally. We are facebook friends. Later I will see Tracy about my neck but most of the headaches don’t seem to be things he can help. I walked with more confidence yesterday. Maybe normal is returning. That’s all I want.

Day 226

BOS and that’s all. The agenda looks interesting. Maybe Ann will be there and we can go to lunch afterward. I enjoy her company. I could do a traipse through walmart, much as I dislike going there, it’s where I can find certain items. I could find something new to do. Maybe call someone or write a letter. Hmm. The day is full of potential. Or I can weed the north side fence or go back to Megan’s yard. Life is full of choices.

Day 225

Weary morning after a poor restless sleep. My tired mind just wouldn’t stop mulling over old stuff. It’s making for a slow start for Monday. I know that I need a trip to Wally’s and I will do that early. I was thinking of ways to get busier during the week so I don’t sink into the comfort zone. There must be a place that needs a volunteer that fits what I can do. I do better with time if I have a schedule.

Day 224

Morning Prayer and I will show up and sing. The last hymn we sing sticks in my head for a week! I may make another pot of luscious soup. Best way to get full of vegetables while smiling. I used Karen’s recipe and it was good. She said it would be. Three walks yesterday and my gait and pace were normal. There is yard work that needs doing before the rains start. The joy of home ownership. I’m Moving past whatever knocked me down.

Day 223

Yesterday was a good day and I enjoyed every minute of it. Normal and routine are  good words. I walked and worked and participated in my community. I admit that I do need a product at the end of the day. The work ethic is still in force. Today I want to go to the farmers’ market and buy red potatoes and green stuff for a big pot of soup. I may go look at the old cars. They bring back high school memories.

Day 222

CofC will be a hive today with Sea Cruise beginning. I like being there when lots of activity is going on. It’s exciting to be part of the community. I had a couple of good walks yesterday. I carried the cane but didn’t use it. I don’t feel tottery or needy for help with balance. Whatever caused my collapse is passing. I feel normal now. It’s scary to wonder if something long term is happening in my body. I’ll celebrate feeling well and happy.

Day 221

Tea and stories day! I enjoy the writers and their sharing. Peanut butter cookies for them. First a little house stuff. I dust and vacuum and that’s all. There is still yard work I want to get done and I did get the greenhouse cleaned yesterday with the removal of the raspberries. They are coming into the warm spot. Later, Karen will help my body with her massage techniques. I feel better after she works on me. I’m taking her a bag of apples.

In January, 1977, I took a leave of absence from my teaching career. I wanted to have a different life for a while. I rented my house to friends and had an apartment waiting in Rohnert Park. I was enrolled at Sonoma state. Kind of a busmans’ holiday. I took a bunch of interesting classes just for fun.

The first class was called People in Transition and was designed for older returning or first time students. It was led by two women from the testing center. They were interested in my reason for being there and asked if I would participate in a study. I said sure. I was here for experiences. I become friends with them and was invited into their women’s group. We did lots of things together that I would not have been able to do alone. Later they asked me to be in a documentary about older students at Sonoma state. This had nothing to do with the prompt.

 One was alternative health and I met a bunch of interesting people. The curriculum included kinesiology, nutrition, eastern medicine, all sorts of alternatives to our medical establishment. I found friends in the class and had lots of philosophical conversations that were thought provoking and led to new ideas. I was invited to Forestville for an afternoon  party and was pleased to be included with so many younger people. It was a beautiful place and the crowd was comfortable. Late in the afternoon I was offered a brownie and in my ignorance, I ate it. I found a nice friendly tree and sat down to enjoy its company. Hours went by. I heard the laughing and singing, the dancing and guitar music and I sat. My mind calculated that I had missed out on the fun and vowed never to do it again and I never did.

Day 220

Yesterday was more than great! Gave me hope that whatever caused my collapse and the other symptoms is over. I filled the green bin with the avocado branches. Sure is a stubborn growth! Today I will clean the greenhouse again. The raspberries keep intruding. I want to plant carrots. Later, farmer’s market for red potatoes and green beans. The floors need attention too, Sounds like another good domestic day. I will use my physical energy with glee. It’s like the feeling after an illness.

Day 219

Woke up rested and optimistic. Nice change from the last few weeks. October will be a month of healing. While the dogs are at the spa, I will buy groceries and do errands so that I have time to clean in Meg’s yard. I have made progress with the weeds and dirt. My grass seed project is slowly showing and I’m glad for it. Later I will see Tracy Cole. My posture needs fixing and I know that PT exercises are the only way.

Day 218

Sunday was a day of rest or  a near coma. No energy or interest in moving due to rain and wind or just because. I sang in church. That was all I produced: a joyful sound. Giants lost. No games until spring training.  This morning started out with a clean bed including taking off the cotton quilt and putting on the down comforter. Early for the change. I am hoping for a good day and that would mean I accomplished something and enjoyed it.

Day 217

I was happy to do little for most of the day then got a shot of physical energy and took a brisk walk. This has happened before and the ability to feel energetic is welcome as I haven’t felt normal since the collapse on the hill. Today I’ll go to church. I didn’t go last week as I just didn’t feel well. I want “normal” back. I’m not good at wimpy and weak. Last Giants game of he season. Hope they beat the Dodgers.

Day 216

Duty at the CofC was steady people and they were pleasant. Michele and I went to Wing wah for hot and sour soup followed by picking apples at the neighbors. This morning Karen is coming to pick apples. I’m glad the neighbor said we could take all we wanted. I have made applesauce from those apples and it was tart the way I like it. Hollie will come by after her breakfast with her friends. I don’t know if I’ll go to the market.

Day 215

The day improved and by late afternoon I was feeling normal. Today has a busy agenda: start early with a visit from the security co. to replace the tweeting monitor in the kitchen, then the CofC with Michele, Hollie may pick me up for lunch, and later, a head scan at Sutter. I want information about what happened that resulted in the collapse on the hill. The grass seed I planted in Meg’s yard is showing up! A path will save lots of mud.

Day 214

Dr. ruled out  a stroke caused fall. I’ve already had the pulmonary function test. It was tiring and I stopped at Art’s BBQ on the way home for a chicken dinner. More tests to come including PT to assess my walking. Today I will focus on my house and yard plus walking. I may get Meg’s grass raked and reseeded. Hope to have enough physical energy to produce some results. Right now my mind says “let’s do it” and my body declines the offer.

Day 213

BOS short and out. Businesslike and no drama there. Neighborhood drama related to the ongoing squatter across the street. More sheriffs, handcuffs, etc. and maybe this time will be the last. He cleaned out his things and the house is posted. Hope it’s over. Don’t like having an outlaw so close by. Today Hollie is going with me to see Dr. V. I want to know why I collapsed. Later, last duty at the museum for the season. I need something new to do.

Day 212

Yesterday was modestly improved. I had two slow walks, made applesauce, cleaned part of  Megan’s deck, made a nutritious dinner, and acted as if I was whole. I’m not. Something is not working properly and my hope is that Dr. V. will figure out what needs to happen next. I’m good at following through when I know what to do. Today is BOS and I will attend. The agenda looks simple and often that’s when I end up sitting for hours. Life goes on.

Day 211

Sunday went by with practically no activity. I did get a short walk in the mist before he rain started. Felt good to be out and I only went around the block. Hollie has asked me not to go far until we find out what is going on in my body. The Giants won their game and a whole lot of reruns graced the TV. Today will also be quiet although I hope to pull weeds and walk farther. I want my life back.

Day 210

I walked alone to the market and bought green beans and zucchini/ Sat for while in the Dem booth before starting home. I walked the long way home as going up the hill didn’t feel like a good idea. Hollie took me grocery shopping and now the cupboard is stocked and lots of sweet potatoes and cauliflower for dogs. Fr. Tom will be at church and I will decide later if I feel like going. I want my confidence back. I’m not a wimp.

Day 209

I didn’t go to the CofC. I dithered so long that I decided it must be a bad idea.  I got a short walk but felt fragile and that’s not a normal reaction to going out the door. Farmers’ market today and I will go plus grocery shop too. I hope to have some yard energy as there is much to do and nobody is going to do it for me. The joy of home ownership! Life goes on after a trauma. Embrace it.

Day 208

Tea and stories group was definitely the high spot of the week. The sharing and humor are priceless. They listened to my tale of woe and contributed support for healing. Today I will go to the CofC and hope that I can be useful. If I get weary I will come home. No sense in using up my energy and getting worn out. Until I know for sure what happened that caused the fall last Monday, I will be cautious. I’ll find out Wednesday.      

Day 207

It was busy at the museum and by 1 PM I was tired and did not go to Tracy. Maybe tomorrow as my neck still aches. I slept well and had memories of group experiences. It was a pleasant reverie. This morning I will get busy with my housework. The floors need attention after a couple of wet days. It’s Tea and Stories day. Laurie and Delia won’t be here and four is still a group. I’m feeling strong and ready for domestic chores.

Way back when my car was young, I went to a workshop with my women’s group called Art as Medicine. It was facilitated by Bill Kucha, an artist and shaman. It was a tight group with trust and deep sharing. As part of the process, we each picked out a part of our mutual painting as personally meaningful. I found a castle and talked about it. One of my friends said, “It has no doors or windows. How do you get out?” My reply,” It’s a safe place. Nobody can get in.” Bill asked me how long I had needed a safe place. A long time was my answer. One of the women said she was sorry that she hadn’t noticed my withdrawal as I was good at faking my social participation.

Later, at home, I painted the castle and kept it where I could see it. It triggered a need to get out of the substantial walls I had built. I had a phone number for a therapist in Arcata and connected to Marilyn Fox. In our first session, I described my flat line emotional range and how I manufactured social energy. She called my condition unresolved grief. Grief comes from loss, regret, guilt, disappointment, errors in judgement, mistakes, all the human ways we break trust with ourselves. If I refused to feel pain, then I couldn’t feel joy either. Little by little over time I lost emotional range. Every time I said “Oh well” and moved on, I lost more emotional choice. Marilyn gave me tools to sort out and unpack the past and how to notice quickly if I was about to fall into the emotional abyss again. And I went back to my painting and added windows, doors, and a bridge across the moat.

What does this have to do with our prompt? Write about a time when everything changed in the blink of an eye. August 5^th, at 2;30 PM at the corner of Ninth and H streets when I was walking home from the post office, I was an inch from dying under a blue truck. It brushed my arm as I sprinted.  I got to the stop sign post by magic, heart beating hard and short of breath. The woman driving the truck parked about a half block away and yelled out her window, “I’m sorry.”

My life changed in that split second. I have always enjoyed walking. It’s why I bought my house so I could walk to work and walk to town. Now I no longer feel confident that I was safe in the crosswalk even with my years of experience as a pedestrian. Now I feel vulnerable and fragile. I wait for signals from drivers and I know the woman did not have her turn signal light on. I think she was on her phone. The result of the incident is flashbacks of the vehicle’s grill right at eye level in front of me. When I grabbed onto the post I held myself up while my knees wanted to give way but I didn’t want the drama of collapsing on the sidewalk. I wobbled home and sat for an hour waiting for my heart and breath to resume normal rhythms.

What tools do I have for clearing this experience? Desensitizing. So, the next day, I walked across the intersection several times. Felt okay. See, it’s over already. I’m alive and the incident is history. Wait, Not so fast. Even with several trips across the intersection, the deep shock was just beginning to wear off and the next phase was getting hold of my well-being. A few days later as I was killing a shrub in the front yard, my neighbor, John Wood, came along and asked if I was doing okay with the veh vs me experience. Well, I said, if you count sudden flare ups of anger, fuzzy brain, light to no sleep, inability to focus etc.as okay, then I guess I am. Well, he said you have checked all the boxes for PTSD. John is a vet with the condition and has gone to trainings at the VA to start groups here. Our conversation helped. Later, I walked down H st. and saw an old friend, Linda Boatman. She asked too. I told her my status. She grabbed my arm and we walked across the street together. That helped too. Allowing support from others who understand are part of the tool kit.

Tell the story. I wrote and posted the incident on facebook. Telling the story also takes the emotional charge from it. The post response was supportive and I felt the care from my friends. Nearly everyone has had a traumatic happening. Hearing from others has helped too.

The tool kit includes writing. I’m doing that now. By the time the trauma is word ripe, it’s ready to move into history. By writing and sharing I am losing the flashbacks of the grill right at eye level. I used my survival instinct to live and that’s what matters. I will be mindful of my mental state as I know processes are spiral and a bit could come back and bite me again.

I do not want to build any thick walled fortresses

Day 206

Friends are the best medicine. In spite of a winter storm complete with sideways rain, we had a warm and cozy lunch at Seaquake. It is always stimulating and intimate. I am blessed with good friends. Our conversations go all over the place. Today I will splash in puddles on the way to museum duty. Later I will go to Tracy for a neck treatment. I feel well and ready for the day. I may pick up Mexican food for dinner after seeing Tracy.

Day 205

It wasn’t interesting at all. It was falling down on Cooper hill and being rescued by strangers followed by two hours in the Emergency Room. I had a blood pressure spike that knocked me down. Two guys picked me up and a woman drove me home. Hollie came and sat with me while the medication took my number down to reasonable. Okay, I’ll take the darn pills. I don’t like to. Today is going to Seaquake with Karen and Rosalie to celebrate Karen’s birthday..

Day 204

It’s official change of seasons from brown lawn to green lawn. The rain started while Linda Lee and I were having lunch at Good Harvest. The church service was meaningful. Fr. Eric’s sermon was relevant. Afterwards, the coffee hour was friendly and lots of conversation. Then the R&R took over and I napped while the Giants won their game followed by onion soup. Today, no outside agenda. Wonder what I’ll find to do? I know I’ll get out for a walk plus something interesting.

Day 203

I‘m achy from working hard and creating a grass path by myself. It was a path or the gate would be closed for the winter and she could deal with mud. It was not my project and she and her dad just left the mess. Today Fr. Eric is coming to church and I invited Linda Lee to come to meet him. We will go to lunch after. May jump back into the cleaning process but chances are that I will rest instead.

Day 202

Good duty at the CofC. People on vacation are pleasant and grateful for help. I like being there even when it’s not busy with people, there are things to do. Worked in Megans’ yard again. It is a mess and she is oblivious and not interested in noticing. I was weary before I finished what I wanted to get done. I walked and felt weak and uncoordinated. Glad to get home and rest. Today I’ll be back at it and she will be helping.

Day 201

Worked in Megan’s yard and cleared one area. I gave her a landlady talk and she made contacts to get the yard cleaned and planted with lawn. She had a good start and then disappeared into her time with Katherine’s illness and death. There is more that I can do too and hope to get busy when I come home from the CofC duty. The weather has been perfect for outside work and walking. The dark is coming and I want to be ready.

Day 200

Yesterday started shaky and ended strong. Museum duty was slow but interesting and after a big lunch I walked the long block easily. Got my 10K for the first time in a couple of months. Today will start with driving to grocery shopping and then I’m going to tackle Megan's yard. My goal is raking the grass by the sunporch and reseeding it. She needs to get back to working on the rocks. It’s a mess. Maybe she can get her father to help.

Day 199

The meeting was informative. Gitlin showed his hate again. What an ugly soul! Karen used her massage skill to balance my system. She does good work for me. I woke up feeling shaky and not on top of my game. Coffee helped but I am not a ball of monkeys yet. It is museum day and there are only three more for the season. I enjoy the duty, the other volunteers, and he visitors. I will look for another duty somewhere for the winter.

Day 198

Teeth clean and program accepted. Steph was excited about our offering and Rosalie was stoked too. After I walked home and fell into my chair, I knew that I wasn’t ready to go to the Dem meeting. I may step out of the committee before my term is up as I realize that I am not a sit and plan person. I like the doing parts and I can participate without having a chair at the table. Today is BOS. The agenda looks interesting.

Day 197

Feels like cool and damp Autumn already. Church was satisfying. MP with Mike preaching. Had conversations with Karen and Gayle. I like the new members. I don’t feel so needed. There are people now to do the parts that I don’t want to do any longer. Today I have appointments with the dentist for routine exam and cleaning and with Steph Wenning with Rosalie to pitch our program. Later I will attend the Dem committee meeting. More writing about the incident with thee truck.

Day 196

Brief shower overnight has refreshed the air. Yesterday was the rest I wanted: a Netflix movie, two naps and Giants beat the dodgers plus a good long walk. That was the recharge I needed. Today is Morning Prayer and hope to feel like socializing. A few good nights sleep and I am feeling better. I have been writing in my mind. I will sit down and get the words on paper. Writing is therapy and I need to clear the vehicle vs me incident.

Day 195

The CofC was slower but still interesting. I like the haircut. It’s just what I wanted. The dogs are clean and cute. Had a big salad for dinner. Hollie will come for the farmers’ market and to pick pears. The trees are full and juicy pears await munching. Yesterday the simple tasks of taking the dogs and getting the haircut were more tiring than I would like to admit. I napped in the chair until bedtime and still slept eight hours. Need strength exercises.

Day 194

Good restful sleep, finally. Maybe the 1:1 or the exercise or the productive day. Rosalie had constructive ideas about my piece of the process. I like the way it’s going together. We have a proposal appointment with Steph on Monday. Tea and stories was full of deep sharing and exchanging knowledge of each other.  I prize the time with women.. Today is CofC duty. The visitor season has slowed to a crawl. Later, dogs go to the spa and I get a hair cut.

Day 193

The museum duty was slow and I walked up and down the stairs a lot. The green beans were gone at the farmers’ market and I bought cabbage and peppers plus BBQ chicken  lunch at Rebecca’s stand. Rosalie sent her piece on Finding Purpose that stimulated me into writing while the car was being serviced. I can put my part on paper before we meet for lunch. Later is Tea and stories group and it’s always a treat. I enjoy the sharing and socializing.

He has a headache. I sit on the edge of the bed in the dark room and listen to waves of wind driven rain rhythmically battering the window. “Give me an hour.”  “I don’t have another hour.” I have been pacing throughout the night with the waves of labor rhythmically battering my body. “I’ll take myself.” As I start to get dressed, he groans. “Oh, all right. I’ll get up.” He pulls on his clothes. “Wait by the door.” He goes into the storm to the P. L. office where the only phone in Scotia is located. I pace and sit and pace and sit. This baby is not going to wait for her father to take us to the doctor and the hospital. I go to bed and try to relax when in one big push my baby is born. I pick her up and lay her on my chest where I feel her lungs expand and she lets out a greeting that makes me smile and laugh out loud. I pull up the sheet to cover us as she raises her head and looks me in the eyes. She squirms and it feels familiar as she has been doing that in my womb. It takes an hour for her father to return. He messed up the phone calls, ending up calling his mother for help. When he gets back to the house, he has locked himself out and needs to break down the front door. Then he takes out his pocket knife and cuts the cord, wraps her in one of his undershirts and leaves again. This time he goes the few blocks to the hospital and brings back a nurse who delivers the afterbirth. We are taken to the hospital where I can’t go in the ward and she can’t go in the nursery so they stick us in a storeroom for a few hours and then send us home. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

Day 192

I did improve my activity and attitude yesterday. Filled the green bin while talking with John Wood about the PTSD that is with me since the sprint for my life. He said I have classic symptoms. I walked the long block with an energy that hasn’t happened for months. I’ll take signs of wellness with joy. Today is museum duty followed by the farmers’ market for vegs and then the car goes to Coast for service .Kelle and Hollie added 500 miles. Good old car.

Day 191

Yesterday was miserable because of my choice to watch the holy crap news. I felt stuck with the storm, boat fire, and another shooting. I did push myself out the door for three short walks but the doom and gloom had a hold on my mood. Today the dogs go to the spa and I do my quick step at Wally’s for Adams peanut butter. I need to get busy with activities that are positive and get back to my usual frame of mind.

Day 190

Church was Morning Prayer with our new guy giving the sermon. It’s refreshing to have new people taking part in the service. I took a brief walk and a nap. Saturday was fun and tiring so a kick back day was just right. Today is Labor Day and I have no agenda. I have writing to do for the proposal with Rosalie. I’ll get to it before our meeting. Kelle said she wanted to come for Christmas. I said NO. Maybe Fourth of July.

Day 189

Yesterday was full and satisfying from the point of view of contributing to the community as a Dem and as a teacher. I set up the front table, found helpers, reminded us how the table should be set and added Art and Ellen to the group. They helped with decorations and worked well. My two writers came and shared their stories. I helped them connect to keep their writing going. It was a long involved day starting with saying good-bye to Laurie at 6am..

Day 188

Duty was busy with people and so it was fun. The visitors will slow down now that the season is over. Laurie is gone. It was a bonus to have her here and I’m grateful for the time with her. She did a total connecting job for Kyle and the services he needs to get sober. I’ll go to the fairgrounds at 9 and get ready for the Dems BBQ. My writers will come for lunch and then come here to tell their stories..

Day 187

Rosalie and I had a productive session and a delicious lunch too. We agreed on the content and the balance between conversation and writing. She will put it together and we will meet again next week to set it as we will present the proposal . Megan has popped out of her grief and is marching to a new drum. Working through it all has given her maturity and self-confidence. CofC duty day. As it is Friday before Labor Day, it will be busy.

Day 186

Lunch with us together was a bonus and delicious. Laurie is doing a complete job of connecting Kyle to resources. If he is ready for sobriety, all the doors are open. Today Rosalie is bringing lunch from Art’s BBQ and we will get serious about our conversation/writing proposal.  I’m planning to offer response writing, not teaching skills. Our sessions lend themselves to an opening write and follow ups as the lesson progresses. It’s a way of assessing the group understanding. We hope it works.

Day 185

Day 185

Pulled berry vines and stuffed the green bin plus a couple of walks before and after the BOS. The tiny house presentation was interesting and will take a long time to make it happen. Let’s hope people get behind the idea instead of complaining about the problem. Today is museum duty and I look forward to it. At 1 PM I will walk to seaquake and join Hollie, Laurie, and Megan for lunch. Only a couple more days with Laurie. She is family too.

Day 184

Yesterday I felt better than I have in weeks. It was a productive day: all floors, including three porches, clean, greenhouse taken care of, compost moved, weeds gone. Two long walks and five miles logged plus fun with Lala and Hollie at Port O Pints.  Lala is doing so well and is taking care of Kyle’s recovery. Today is BOS and the Dem committee will be there to support plans for a homeless peoples village. Something needs to be done before it gets worse.

Day 183

It was a satisfying Sunday starting with singing Morning has Broken in church. Two walks and the Giants won the bridge trophy. No agenda today, no obligations, no duties except what I want to do. I need days with just wandering around if that’s what sounds necessary. I will walk for yogurt and take a couple of bills to the post office and maybe drop by the museum to visit with the volunteers. Maybe have a cleanup in the greenhouse. Maybe sit and read.

Day 182

Half birthday and time for a course correction. The best of the first half were writing class, Tea and stories and volunteer duties. I like being out with people. Core exercises and use of time at home  need strengthening. The mat needs to be in sight and used daily. The TV needs to be less important as a distraction. I want to add reading, writing, enjoying daily house tidying  routine and keeping the yard neat. Walking  and nutrition are critical to my overall health.  

Day 181

Woke up feeling better. Good sleep makes all the difference in attitude and energy level. I enjoyed our time at Port O Pints but will confess that the noise makes me tired. I had a great Reuben that was two meals big. The CofC duty was also pleasant with interesting visitors. Today is busy again beginning with farmers’ market with Hollie and Lala. Later is class 7, editing and I will walk since Hollie has my car. It’s only a mile and a half.

Day 180

Yesterday was almost too much for me. I am still tired from all the activity. Each piece was great and I need a day off! Guess I will have to wait until Monday. Rosalie and I will meet again next week to write our proposal. We made progress on what we want to present.  Now we need a group. Tea and Stories group was engaging and fun. Today is a busy CofC followed by a birthday visit to Port O pints for Rosalie’s birthday.

Day 179

Busy day coming up. Start at the tractor store for dog food followed by groceries. Swift shining up of the house comes next. Rosalie and I are having a working lunch as we change our eldering program to include a writing component. We will get a proposal ready. Then Tea and Stories group with Michele included for the first time. Hollie and Lala will come by for quilts and the car. Lala is here to get Kyle into rehab. I like days with parts.

I was born in the middle of the Great Depression. That may be why my early memories seem gray and uncomfortable. When this prompt was offered, a bright spot showed up and it was my mothers’ rose colored satin dressing gown. She didn’t wear it often, maybe an occasional Sunday when she made coffee cake as a surprise. She looked beautiful and I wanted to touch the gown but wasn’t allowed to do so. It was a piece of clothing that she prized. I never knew the story of how she obtained it as I know nothing about her life. My young self said that one day I would wear the beautiful gown and I’d let people touch the soft glowing material. Maybe I’d get married in it. I would swish around feel the softness and look beautiful too. I don’t remember when she stopped wearing it but it was later when she started calling it “this old thing.” Much later, when I was helping her with yet another move, I spotted the gown in a discard pile. Oh give that away, she said but I didn’t. I sneaked it into my suitcase and brought it home with me. There I put it away and forgot about until now. And here it is. A 1930’s dressing gown

Day 178

Clean house and neat yard from yesterday’s activity balanced by naps and watching the science channel. Back to my routine with increased vigor. Today is museum duty and that is enjoyable and stress free. Then off to Karen for a massage and conversation.  I had good nutrition yesterday with plans to do the same again. I can only binge once in a great while without regret. My house and body both appreciate moderation and mindfulness. It’s good to take care of myself every day.

Day 177

It was a restful night and I’m ready for a productive day. Megan brought a Roku so now I have Netflix to watch. Housework and laundry today. I feel like cleaning after having a guest. The greenhouse and the north side need weeding plus errands and shopping too. Kelle’s visit has shown me how comfortable I am with my routine activities. Good to shake it up once in a while and try new ways while accommodating others. Back to eating well. No junk food.

Day 176

Kelle will fly out at 2PM and I will have my routine back. I know I’m getting old when I’m curmudgeonly about a house guest’s use of my space! Barbara Clark helped with the OLLI connection and I’m sure Rosalie will be stoked too. I want to get started on blending our conscious aging program with writing components. I want a long walk or maybe two today. Haven’t been moving enough with Kelle here. She doesn’t like to walk. I’m already reclaiming my lifestyle.

Day 175

The market was crowded and I found peaches, broccoli, onions, string beans and hugs from friends. Writing class was stimulating with the stories coming together. I didn’t have much to add to their progress except advice on full character profiles. Later, Kelle, Megan, Hollie and I had an orgy of appetizers at seaquake. Today I’ll go to church and then to the Chart room for fish and chips. Kelle leaves tomorrow and I will deal with the five pounds I’ve gained from eating out.

Day 174

The CofC was busy with pleasant people. I like it when they say I gave them just what they wanted to know. They smile and go on with their vacations. Visited with Robert at the dispensary and pick up CBD. I asked him to find out if CBD can lower blood pressure. I’d rather not take a prescription if the tincture works. Farmers’ market this morning with Kelle and Hollie. Looking for more peaches and plums. Then class #6 on elements of the story.