Day 263

Woke up with good physical energy and am ready to take on the day. It is a relief after the low slow yesterday. I enjoyed tomato soup and grilled cheese at seaquake and conversation about writing. We brainstormed about situational stories and she came up with some great scenarios. Today I will get housework out of the way early and hope to spend time with Hollie. We see each other once a week and even though we text, I need face time with her.

What I think happens after we die would be finding a retreat hut in a pine woods. A place of warm days and cool nights near a stream .I would be alone. A tiny three bears house with a bed, cooking needs, a covered porch with a comfortable chair and little else. I don’t want a Kiva experience of sensory deprivation but of a distraction deprivation so no tech stuff at all. No phone, TV, computer or kindle. Not even music. No dogs. My only tool would be a new journal and lots of pens. I would stay there and endure the tantrums that I know would happen when faced with nothing but myself. I would stay until Spirit cleans up all the defenses and withholds and I am empty of the cultural influences, family legacy, personal history, triggers for old tapes, and all other artificial coverings were exposed. I would sit outside and listen to birds, frogs, the water bubbling past, night insects, the breeze in the trees and let my thoughts zoom by like ticker tape until they were tired and went away leaving me with a real self that was born pure and innocent.. When spirit has wrung out the last tear of regret, loss, disappointment, laughed me into a sore belly over the dramas, angst, and worries that were for naught, made my heart smile over the successes, then I can look in a mirror and feel that the inside and the outside were congruent and I enjoy my unblemished soul. Then I would find my grandparents. In life I had no knowledge of my forebears. Questions were not answered until I stopped asking. Ancestry was no help so I want to go to the sources. Hearing their stories and those of their grandcestors would help with understanding  how I came to be as I am. I’ll tell my story as well as I can so they can see how the line progressed. After learning from them, I will go back as far as history allows. Maybe all the way to Noah as my great-grandcestor. His grandson Ashkenaz was the founder of my ancestral tribe: Ashkenazi Jew in southern Germany after the diaspora that broke up Israel and sent the tribes away. Perhaps when all this learning has created understanding of this life, I would be ready to come back again.