Day 341

Tea and stories was wonderful, again. What a blessing to have them in my life. Linda did fit right in and I wish she could come often but her studies come first. She will come when she can. Shaun will drive away in the van this morning before I go to the CofC for my duty. It is a relief and a loss at the same time. Last physical therapy session was good. I worked hard and made progress with core conditioning and balance.

Day 340

I did fill the green bin. Took a long walk and did errands. Had a social afternoon. All good. Today I will start with my last physical therapy session. I’m ready to be on my own again. Afterwards, a quick stop at the grocery store and home to dust and vacuum for tea and stories group. Amy brought the fancy candle for a ritual start to our gathering. Linda Lee will come too. I’m looking forward to including her. She will fit right in.

An invention that would make my life easier would be a beautiful pendant that would cover my heart chakra. It could be a filigree of gold or silver with a changeable center that would hold a jewel or image. It would hang on a satin ribbon. The purpose of this ornament would be to remind me to stay in the moment. It’s a mindfulness monitor. Sometimes at night I wake up with my shoulders tense, the monitor would softly remind me that I am safe and can relax every cell. If my mind runs off to a dark memory, the pendent would emit a vibration that would pull me back to the present. If I am enjoying the sky or feeling my feet as I walk, the pendent would send a warm 7-up bubbling feeling through my body and alert my mind that this is how I want to be. The pendent would focus my attention to areas of my body that hold tension so that when my shoulders start up to my ears, or I’m holding my breath, I would get a pulsing feeling that would act as a relief for my muscles. If I feel lonely the pendant would send images of past and present people that I love and who love me and I could feel surrounded by warm and fuzzy comfort .Every time I send up a prayer of gratitude, the pendent would sound a sweet little bell sound and I would smile. My body, mind, and spirit would stay on the purpose: Living lightly on Earth.. 

Day 339

The decision to let go of the car and getting it ready for the transfer helped me. I slept well and woke up refreshed. They will come and get it Friday morning. Shaun and I put the middle seat in the back. It was dirty with cobwebs. Megan’s garage is a mess. I’m going out early and do yard cleaning. I want to finish in Megan’s yard. May plant carrots in the greenhouse. At least I will water the beets and spinach. Good Wednesday.

Day 338

BOS this morning. I had another restless night. My mind was busy with giving away the car and the reality of it. I want it for one more errand trip so I will offer it to Robin and Shaun for Friday morning. That’s the last day of January so it’s just right. I haven’t driven the car for over a week. Hope the battery didn’t quit. I need shoes, potting soil, and a visit to the dispensary. Life won’t change much. Just need rides.

Day 337

Another wet windy day. I had a strange sleep with lots of busy dreams and woke up with a headache. I don’t get much deep sleep and I’m not sure why not. I’m not aware of any noises or other disturbances from outside. Two walks yesterday between rains and grateful for them. Tractor store for dog biscuits and Walgreens for my prescription. It felt good to be outside after Saturday without moving. Sheila cleaned the kitchen and the living room. I like her work.

Day 336

Low flat yesterday. Hours of TV and that’s all. It was wet and gray inside and out. Long time in bed and much better morning. It is the church’s annual meeting after the service and I’m not sure that I’ll stay for that. I’m not interested in the business of the church. I want to go to service, sometimes stay for coffee hour, and come home. If the rain allows, I will walk to the tractor store to get dog biscuits. Dogs need them.

Day 335

Yesterday was  nowhere day. It was nothing at the CofC.  I wondered if I can go there until the spring tourists start coming. I don’t like to sit and sit. My energy was low to practically inert and when I came home early, I sat here too. I want my life back. I want to depend on my body and right now I can’t. This may be my new reality and I’m not ready for it. I wish I knew more about this disease.

Day 334

Little slump yesterday after a brisk PT session yesterday. Came home and took a nap. Oh well, I did exercise and walk. Then a big beef and vegetable soup was created and enjoyed. Today is wet and gray and I will walk to the CofC for duty. I like getting out and participating even when there isn’t anything going on. At least I get dressed and move. Big breakfast now on board and it’s time to spruce up a bit. Quick run around dusting.

Day 333

R&R yesterday. Once in a while it’s a good thing to rest without an agenda. I did get a walk for a couple of errands. Watched a movie and lots of TV. Food choices were on plan. Today I will start out gangbusters with physical therapy and a trip to the store afterward. Then I will find an inside chore or an outside cleaning job. Lots of e-mail conversations and messaging. I like connections and my tech stuff helps. People, pictures, poetry and news.

Day 332

Another day waking up without a headache. I feel well. Yesterday I worked at physical therapy and could bend down to tie my own shoes. Later, a 2 and a half hour lunch at Seaquake with Linda Lee. We talk in depth and agree on so many aspects of life. Plus the delicious salmon salad and minestrone soup was perfect. Today is wet and windy and I plan on doing nothing. Well, maybe inquire about a possible new health provider. Dr. V. has retired.

Day 331

Yesterday was the best one in a long time and I’m grateful for it. Two walks to do errands and shopping and filled the green bin with dead fuchsias from Megan’s yard. Felt good to use myself well. Today is an early appointment for physical therapy. I will walk in the light rain. It’s only seven blocks away. Later, Linda Lee and I will finally get together after a week of missed opportunities. We will have lunch and a much needed catch up conversation.

Day 330

I enjoyed the women’s walk. The crowd was loud and the speakers and signs were on target. Good chance to see old friends. Lots of hugs. I admit that I was slow and tired out early. Michele and Rosalie took care to walk with me. Nice to have supportive friends. Errands and shopping this morning and that is all for this MLK Monday. I will get out in the yard as the week ahead looks like rain every day. Some chores are harder today.

Day 329

I put lavender oil on Lilac’s nose to add to quiet sleep. I slept long  but shallow only. Yesterday was flat and low energy. I did walk out the front door and walk around to the back door and come inside. Too cold and windy. A day off once in a while is a good thing. Today I will attend church followed by the Women’s march.  My friends are going too and I like participating, I’ll be home in time for the football game.

dDy 328

After a successful hour on the phone with spectrum, The CofC duty was good. Nice people came in and the conversations were interesting. Walked both ways in the wind but no rain. Later Rosalie picked me up for our pint date at Seaquake. It was our usual warm and intimate time together. I mentioned my melt down and they were supportive. Rosalie gave me a support animal, a fuzzy dog that I named Lilac. Nice thought and Lilac slept on my pillow last night.

Day 327

Yesterday was better although I was tired from the melt down. Takes a lot of energy to be upset. Physical therapy was okay. I wasn’t energetic enough to work at it but the walks were good. Tea and stories made the day wonderful. What a treat they are and the stories were fun. Today I hope to be more connected to what I do at the CofC. I can’t be losing words and feeling vague while helping people. It will be a wet walk.

Day 326

Yesterday started okay but went downhill into a full out break up. I was miserable with anxiety and aching body. It’s about giving up the car and what that means. It’s about why I am giving up the car. It’s about owning my age and limitations. Chuck said he wants the car. I don’t want to give it to him. I put conditions that he gets rid of the clunkers. I could sell it today for decent money to someone who would prize it.

Day 325

Another big storm is on the way. It’s already blowing a gale. I’ll take the dogs to the spa and grab some groceries to be ready to hunker down. No green bin today. It’s too wet to deal with it. I have lots of contacts and my phone has been busy with messages and news. I like how we reach out to each other for support. Karen’s massage yesterday was so soothing to my achy body. She does good work for me. Good life.

Day 324

With elections coming up the Dem meetings are getting more interesting. I’m learning a lot. Not sure I add much but I’m showing up. Today is BOS and I show up for that meeting too. Learned about the impending teacher strike. Yesterday was full tilt pouring rain and I didn’t venture out. There was standing water everywhere. I paced and looked out the windows at the unceasing wind blown deluge. It’s milder today and I’m hoping to walk to Karen’s later for my massage.

Day 323

Church was meaningful. Fr. Eric officiated and I like him. Coffee hour was chatty and interesting. Then I watched football and that is unusual for me. I wanted to see what the draw is and I found it hard to follow. Not sure of the rules. Guess baseball is my game. Today Hollie will visit early after her dentist appointment. Maybe we’ll do something together. PT was cancelled and so was coffee with Rosalie and Lisa as daavid is sick. Later, Dem committee meeting

Day 322

Day 322

Yesterday was good for walking and political/socializing. I’m happy to be part of the process. I like the greeting job.  Besides that I accomplished errands and shopping. I want that to be my routine. I want to be able to spend my days without having to take physical and mental inventory. Then the reality is I have a brain disorder and I don’t know what the future holds. The best thing I can do is live mindfully and enjoy the ride. Off to church.

Day 321

Dark wet morning after a better night’s sleep. Yesterday was okay. Nothing awful, nothing wonderful. I got home before the rain started after a quiet day at the CofC. Today I’ll help out at Jim’s campaign launch party at the gallery of arts and culture. I like public functions when I have a role and sitting behind a table registering guests is a job I like and do well. I have a chance for quick conversations and always enjoy how many people I know.

Day 320

In spite of the poor night and lack of energy due to headaches, I went to physical therapy and it was a good thing to do. I laughed and visited and felt better. Later I took a walk around the block and the cool breeze was refreshing. Today is CofC duty and I’m glad to be going out and doing something with people. Much as I enjoy sitting with TV and napping, it is not how I want to spend my time. Get moving.

Day 319

Grace and Frankie won the day except for napping and eating. Poor day followed by poor night with headaches and restless sleep. Not well this morning either. I will get myself together for physical therapy but not promising to be a whiz at my exercises. The sun is shining and it is all right for a brisk walk bundled up and smiling. I’m hoping for a good day with aat least minor accomplishments, house stuff, or friendwise. I can call, e-mail or text someone.

Day 3318

Wet outside again. I hope for a break so I can get a brisk walk. Otherwise I might have to clean out the lower kitchen cupboards and chase away the toaster crumbs. Or sit with Netflix watching Grace and Frankie. I am restless and that’s not good. I could plant carrots in the greenhouse. I could write a full disclosure story from smorgasbord. Or clean out the back closet. Hope for a creative thought to show up. Or call someone for a social meeting.

Day 317

I filled the list and the green bin and had a walk. Good day. Today is physical therapy and I have already stretched. I like using my body well. Had a visit from Art and Ellen. They thoughtfully brought me my favorite coffee and seeds for the greenhouse bin.  They are good friends. Ellen may help Megan with her boxes of books when she is ready to tackle the chore. I may get an urge to write at least start on the T&S prompt..

Day 316

Sunday was a good one. Fr. Rick talked about the Christmas star and it was interesting. Then the family had lunch with Ben, Megan’s boyfriend. It was comfortable and ha seemed aa ease with us. I took a short walk to find a tinted moisturizer and found one. Now I have to remember to use it. Today is dry and I have errands and shopping so the car will get exercise. Then I will get out in the yard. I want to feel energetic.

Day 315

Saturday was R&R for sure. Binged on Messiah but did get one short walk for snack food: mini-pretzels and humus. I will attend church for Epiphany and then family lunch to meet Ben, Megan’s boyfriend. It’s been a couple of not well weeks with less than restful nights. I don’t know what is needed to change my energy except do the best I know how. It may be a winter slump or part of the brain disorder but I want my springy self back.

Day 314

The few visitors at the CofC were newcomers and looking to relocate. It’s a different conversation than with tourists. The physical therapy appointment was cancelled. I walked home cold and hungry, grabbed bean soup, and then fell asleep for an hour. The day was not as planned and that’s okay. Today I will walk to the store for a couple of necessities and rest. I seem to need more rest lately and get cold easily but that’s okay too. The winter sun is welcome.

Day 313

I am surprised and delighted by the T&S group.  It is a blessing and a connection that I prize. The trust and willingness to disclose parts of their histories and the response and support are proof that women know how to help each other with sharing. Writing is therapy. Today is CofC. Always different and yet the same routine. Just different faces and stories. Then run home, change clothes and go to PT. I have not done my homework.  The exercises make me sore.

Day 312

New Years’ Day was r&r after aa blitz through the house with broom, dust rag, and vacuum cleaner. Didn’t get dressed. Didn’t talk out loud except to dogs. This morning I want to go out early and collect for the green bin. More pruning and trimming. I want to walk, get the mat down and exercise, and get ready for Tea and stories group. Rosalie will join today. She will fit right in and the group will enjoy knowing her too. Onward in January.

My very first memory of what I wanted to be when I grew up was the first grade at St. Thomas Aquinas school in Reno. I wanted to be a nun. I was fascinated by how they walked without seeming to take steps. They glided along silently. They loomed large to my very small self. They were mysterious.  Later, about 8 years old, but this time we lived in Missoula, I wanted to be a cowboy girl. I had a red felt hat and I even slept in it. I galloped everywhere on a stick horse. My yippee-i-oos echoed through the house. I had a lasso to capture the bushes and tree limbs in the yard. The next memory is about 12 years old. In Eureka, movies with dancing like Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly, Cyd Charisse and Ginger Rogers gave me the moves and I flashed around wearing anything that would twirl. I asked for dance lessons and learned tap. I was good at tap but it wasn’t dramatic and romantic. I was in a high school play and decided to be an actress. I enjoyed putting on makeup and becoming a character. My mom said I was already an actress as she knew who I’d been playing with because I came. home talking and walking like my friend. At some point, maybe 15 or 16, I wanted to be a doctor. I loved our doctor and wanted to be that for other kids. My father stopped that fantasy. He said my options were nurse, secretary or teacher. I don’t like leaky body parts, or sitting in an office so teaching became the goal. I entered Humboldt state at 17 and finished three years before marriage and babies. It took eight years to finish my degree but I never doubted that I would do it. 32 years, three school districts, six principals, six grade levels and I loved every minute.

My current career began in 1993 when I retired and needed some reason to get up every morning. I was depressed and isolated without my role as teacher and I needed to renegotiate my identity. I discovered volunteering. My first placement was at Sunset tutoring adults who wanted to learn written English. One day I said to myself, I’ve done this. What’s new out there? I was open to entering the community and learning how things work. I ran into my friend from Al-anon, Mary Stuart, who invited me to join the police department’s senior volunteer service. I did. When teaching, age doesn’t matter. The common language is education. Now I was with people who had the same presidents and the same issues and concerns. It was interesting and I enjoyed learning new skills and new geography. I went from there to looking for opportunities to do more learning about how things work. I did a lot of writing: Volunteer voices, senior news, triplicate history column, church newsletter, and the Times 60+ plus column. With Mary Stuart and Faith Crist, we established Teen Court through the Juvenile Justice Commission, recruited a judge, trained teen lawyers and found community service placements for the teens to fill their sentences. I worked at the blood bank handing out cookies and making sure donors stayed long enough,. That’s where I learned small talk. It was not a skill I learned teaching. No time for it. I sat on a bunch of boards, committees and advisories,  and then got bored of boards. I’m not a sit and plan person, I‘m a doer. Hollie asked me to come to her classroom and I had such a good time with the kids and no responsibility. She gave me a lot of freedom to do art projects and teach them journaling. I went to the Chamber of Commerce visitors’ center for years, quit, went back again. I enjoy the visitors and heir stories. Spent a decade at the Senior center until I didn’t like how things were going. I’m always on the lookout for something new and stimulating. So, I became politically active by attending board of supervisors meetings. That led to the democratic central committee where I will stay until the end of my term but not renew.  Carol Schach asked me to make a writing group and Tea and stories came from her request. It is often the highlight of my week. When asked to teach creative writing for the Arts for Veterans program, I jumped right in although I had never taught that before and loved the searching for how to do it! Loved every writer. This career has shown me the importance of mental stimulation and its effect on connections and joy.  So, What's next?

Day 311

It was a warm and friendly lunch at Seaquake with Rosalie and Karen. Our conversations go all over the place and that’s the fun. We said one word that would state our intentions for 2020. Mine is stimulation. One big learning last year was how important it is for well-being to have mental stimulation. Teaching the vets was so clear that my synapses need to keep snapping or I am dull. I will keep a running list of how I will accomplish my intention.