Woke up with good physical energy and am ready to take on
the day. It is a relief after the low slow yesterday. I enjoyed tomato soup and
grilled cheese at seaquake and conversation about writing. We brainstormed
about situational stories and she came up with some great scenarios. Today I
will get housework out of the way early and hope to spend time with Hollie. We see
each other once a week and even though we text, I need face time with her.
What I think happens after we die would be finding a retreat
hut in a pine woods. A place of warm days and cool nights near a stream .I
would be alone. A tiny three bears house with a bed, cooking needs, a covered
porch with a comfortable chair and little else. I don’t want a Kiva experience
of sensory deprivation but of a distraction deprivation so no tech stuff at
all. No phone, TV, computer or kindle. Not even music. No dogs. My only tool would
be a new journal and lots of pens. I would stay there and endure the tantrums
that I know would happen when faced with nothing but myself. I would stay until
Spirit cleans up all the defenses and withholds and I am empty of the cultural
influences, family legacy, personal history, triggers for old tapes, and all
other artificial coverings were exposed. I would sit outside and listen to
birds, frogs, the water bubbling past, night insects, the breeze in the trees
and let my thoughts zoom by like ticker tape until they were tired and went
away leaving me with a real self that was born pure and innocent.. When spirit
has wrung out the last tear of regret, loss, disappointment, laughed me into a
sore belly over the dramas, angst, and worries that were for naught, made my
heart smile over the successes, then I can look in a mirror and feel that the
inside and the outside were congruent and I enjoy my unblemished soul. Then I
would find my grandparents. In life I had no knowledge of my forebears.
Questions were not answered until I stopped asking. Ancestry was no help so I
want to go to the sources. Hearing their stories and those of their
grandcestors would help with understanding
how I came to be as I am. I’ll tell my story as well as I can so they
can see how the line progressed. After learning from them, I will go back as
far as history allows. Maybe all the way to Noah as my great-grandcestor. His grandson
Ashkenaz was the founder of my ancestral tribe: Ashkenazi Jew in southern
Germany after the diaspora that broke up Israel and sent the tribes away.
Perhaps when all this learning has created understanding of this life, I would
be ready to come back again.
