Day 279

It was fun at the visitors center with interesting people and excited tree permit buyers, but I felt ill. I napped in my chair a lot of the evening. I’ve had on and off feelings that I was getting sick but today I admit that I need a day off. I may not get dressed. The only thing I have to do is pick the turkey carcass for dog treat and soup. I’m cold in spite of layers of clothes and that’s not  good.

Day 278

My physical energy was low but my mood was high with Hollie and Megan to laugh with. Chuck did a good job with the turkey and Megan’s fresh pumpkin pie was as star. Lots of left overs and I get the soup. We are always grateful for each other. Today is cold and I will bundle up for my walk to the CofC. It will be busy today with tree permits. I’m looking forward to being out with people. Onward to the December holidays.

Day 277

Thanksgiving and it’s our favorite day to cook together and laugh. There have been years with lots of people and now it’s just the four of us. We buy a small turkey and make mashed potatoes, dressing, and garlic Brussel sprouts. That’s all except tomorrow we will eat Megan’s fresh pumpkin pie. There are so many things and people to be thankful for and right now I’m glad for no headache, warm house, and coffee. It is cold and I might walk bundled up.

Day 276

Wild bomb cyclone yesterday. Spent the day at the window watching the wind and rain. The barometer dropped to the lowest number I have ever seen. I only stepped out to retrieve the trash bins from the curb. I had just put new batteries in my little lantern and lit the wooden wick candle as the power went out. So, I went to bed. This morning is calm and I’m glad. The house is clean, food here for tomorrow and I have no agenda.

Day 275

My mood did not improve until Hollie came and I told her how low I was feeling. It started when Rosalie posted that I could grieve my losses. I cried. I have not let the reality settle in my mind. Then Linda Lee sent a poem about keeping going. Later, Hollie and I went shopping and dinner is already to go. I had low energy and although I cleaned the floors, I didn’t get out for a walk. No go out the door power.

Day 274

Poor restless night and dour mood this morning. Not a propitious start for the day. I confessed to Linda Lee that I have fear of the future since the diagnosis and my increased awareness of how vulnerable and fragile I have begun to feel. So, the antidote is moving and doing something necessary like sweeping the floor. Hollie will visit later and we will make a shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner. I may bundle up for a cold walk. It’s another day of living.

Day 273

Yesterday was a good one! Gee, I like saying that. Drove to the farm comfortably, took on great produce, sat in the car and visited with Hollie and planned for next weeks dinner. Went to two stores and filled my empty clean refrigerator and also racked up 10K steps! Bought the soil for the greenhouse but didn’t find seeds. Art may have some to share. Lots of greetings and hugs. Today is church and I enjoy being there. I am getting healthier..

Day 272

Yesterday started well. I enjoyed he duty at the CofC.  Had a long walk later and then fell into my chair and early to bed. Slept nine hours. Today is cold and clear. I’ll go to the farm stand later and have many errands. I want to get soil to fill in the greenhouse so I can plant carrots and beets again. It’s late but, oh well, it’s going to happen. I hope to spend time with Hollie and find out how she’s doing.

Day 271

Good sleep, good energy. Ready for another positive day. Yesterday I walked on the highway without staring at grills. Maybe it’s fading and I won’t have flashbacks. I pay attention to my walking and feel strong and in control. The cane is handy at crosswalks as maybe drivers will notice it. CofC today. Might be busy with tree permits. Then a walk and nutritious food. I’m through with the carb fest. I fixed the greenhouse door and need to secure it. Glad for it.

Day 270

It was a productive and positive day and I enjoyed every minute. I want to repeat it today. I’m ready to tackle the rest of the cleaning in the greenhouse and get potting soil installed and seeds planted. I will need a hand with the repair of the broken door. I bought a shower curtain and will put it behind the broken part to close it.. More good walking and maybe reach out for company. Open agenda and I’m up for a good day.

Day 269

Yesterday did  improve. Made a plan to fix the greenhouse door and found tools to do it. I need help with the project. Had two good walks and enjoyed the wind. Overate again. The carbs called and I reacted with gusto. Today I will also do things instead of thinking about them. I don’t like the days when I question why I am repeating routines over and over and ask why? Am I just jogging in place until I die?  The journey isn’t over.

Day 268

Yesterday didn’t improve much. I did get two freezing walks and lots of sitting. I plan and don’t follow through. Can’t spend time that way. I will take myself in hand today and have a better review when I’m going to sleep. The car needs exercise. Might just take a ride for 20 minutes to charge the battery. How’s that for an agenda! Last week I had socializing and that is my favorite so maybe it’s time to initiate more fun times with friends.

Day 267

I went to church and visited the neighbors. That’s all. No, I didn’t clean the greenhouse. It’s still waiting for attention. Maybe today I’ll dig up a couple of raspberry canes for Nancy. Aside from delivering a couple of payments, no agenda. I do not want to spend the day sitting. It is dense cold fog again and I do not enjoy going out. Lots of negatives this morning. Hmm. How do I get motivated and moving? Start with a big old protein breakfast.

Day 266

Yesterday was rest and relaxation. I walked with Hollie and by myself too. The best part was napping in my chair with a couple of dogs. I feel great this morning even with an early start, 4:30, thanks to whining from Della. Today is church and Fr. Eric will be here. Then maybe I’ll feel like cleaning the greenhouse and preparing to start lettuce and roots. It is a mess of tomato vines and sneaky raspberry canes. I need to fix the broken door.

Day 265

Yesterday was great and I’m tired this morning. It’s okay. CofC was not busy with visitors but was chatty and that’ fun. The massage was helpful and my body enjoyed every minute. It relaxes the spots that hold tension. Then off to meet Rosalie at Seaquake. We laughed so much that our server commented that she wished she had friends like we are. Many toasts to dear old Fred for two and a half pints of beer. Food was good too. Today many chores.

Day 264

Tea and stories group was profoundly intimate with deeply felt stories and evidence of the trust we have created. They thank me but really, I thank them for the bond we have. It is a gift every time we meet. Today, after CofC, I will go to Karen for a massage and then meet Rosalie at Seaquake for a late lunch. Karen sold Fred’s stamps on her E-bay site and she wants to buy me a pint in his honor. Fred is all gone.

Day 263

Woke up with good physical energy and am ready to take on the day. It is a relief after the low slow yesterday. I enjoyed tomato soup and grilled cheese at seaquake and conversation about writing. We brainstormed about situational stories and she came up with some great scenarios. Today I will get housework out of the way early and hope to spend time with Hollie. We see each other once a week and even though we text, I need face time with her.

What I think happens after we die would be finding a retreat hut in a pine woods. A place of warm days and cool nights near a stream .I would be alone. A tiny three bears house with a bed, cooking needs, a covered porch with a comfortable chair and little else. I don’t want a Kiva experience of sensory deprivation but of a distraction deprivation so no tech stuff at all. No phone, TV, computer or kindle. Not even music. No dogs. My only tool would be a new journal and lots of pens. I would stay there and endure the tantrums that I know would happen when faced with nothing but myself. I would stay until Spirit cleans up all the defenses and withholds and I am empty of the cultural influences, family legacy, personal history, triggers for old tapes, and all other artificial coverings were exposed. I would sit outside and listen to birds, frogs, the water bubbling past, night insects, the breeze in the trees and let my thoughts zoom by like ticker tape until they were tired and went away leaving me with a real self that was born pure and innocent.. When spirit has wrung out the last tear of regret, loss, disappointment, laughed me into a sore belly over the dramas, angst, and worries that were for naught, made my heart smile over the successes, then I can look in a mirror and feel that the inside and the outside were congruent and I enjoy my unblemished soul. Then I would find my grandparents. In life I had no knowledge of my forebears. Questions were not answered until I stopped asking. Ancestry was no help so I want to go to the sources. Hearing their stories and those of their grandcestors would help with understanding  how I came to be as I am. I’ll tell my story as well as I can so they can see how the line progressed. After learning from them, I will go back as far as history allows. Maybe all the way to Noah as my great-grandcestor. His grandson Ashkenaz was the founder of my ancestral tribe: Ashkenazi Jew in southern Germany after the diaspora that broke up Israel and sent the tribes away. Perhaps when all this learning has created understanding of this life, I would be ready to come back again.

Day 262

The BOS was mildly interesting. The Olympics opening ceremony will feature the boat story. That is exciting. Anne didn’t want to go to lunch so I had leftover soup instead. Today I will have lunch with Michele and that will be a treat. This cold fog is bad for my joints and bones. Makes me want to curl up with a couple of dogs and cuddle. I have writing to do for tomorrow’s tea and stories group. I have it written in my head.

Day 261

The parade was a great event. Lots of hugs and catch-up conversations. I like that. It’s my favorite and gives me the belonging feeling that I like. I was tired when I got home and rested for a couple of hours and out again for green bananas. Today is BOS and I plan to ask Jay for help with the neighborhood problem. The mess across the street is getting out of hand. The neighbors complain but won’t do anything about it so I will.

Day 260

Veterans’ day parade and I will participate. I like being part of the group. Lots of candy will be given to children but I will give mine to elders and vets. I did that last year and liked the response. Yesterday I was shaky and slow. Might be part of the brain thing or just because. I walked around the short block and was happy with it. The coffee  hour at church was interesting and fun.  I enjoy the family feeling. I belong there.

Day 259

Fr. Tom will officiate today. I like him and his social justice sermons and he is also an octogenarian. No fog this morning and it makes a difference to my mood. Hope for a good long walk after church. Yesterday I had a weak spell on the way home from getting my prescription at Walgreen’s. I dislike that all over struggle to get home. Soup fixed it. Maybe it was just hunger and not part of the brain thing. I do my best everyday.

Day 258

It was an interesting day at the C0fC with foreign visitors. I enjoy their travel stories. One quick walk was all I could muster but at least I tried. Some days I am reminded of my age and limitations. Today I will drive to the farm stand. Need vegs and need to drive the car. No other agenda. If it gets over 50, I’ll cut down more of the hydrangea. There are always yard chores and nobody is going to do it for me.

Day 257

Another day to bundle up before walking to the CofC. I’m looking forward to getting out and doing something with people. I don’t do well with too much time alone in the house. It is clean and neat and I don’t even have any clutter to tame. I looked at old writing and decided that maybe I could fictionalize the one I named Smorgasbord. I enjoyed writing it as it chronicles much of my connections with men. I could easily embellish it with backstories.

Day 256

I admit to feeling relieved when Michele let me know that she wasn’t well and wanted a raincheck on lunch. I had no energy or motivation to move. Some days are blah and I need to let that be okay. Today I’m a bundle of brooms, dust mops, and vacuum cleaners. Laundry done, put away, counters wiped and sinks clean. Now I don’t mind sitting awhile. The heavy cold fog is a bit lighter and maybe it will get past 40 degrees today.

Day 255

Cold foggy morning. Yesterday was freezing and I had the warm hat plus two layers of coats and wished I had put on gloves.  I’ll be prepared today to have comfort on my walks. The season changed abruptly. Michele and I plan to meet at the CofC at 1 and she will decide where she wants her birthday lunch. Karen said she sold Fred’s duck decoy for $125. Thanks Fred. Glad to be rid of him. His contribution was teaching me to watch baseball.

Day 254

I did lots better on Monday with a full green bin and a bag of raspberry canes plus two good walks. It was great to go to bed feeling accomplishments. Today, while the dogs as a the groomer, I will do my quick trip through Walmart. I won’t go again until January as I can’t tolerate the Christmas hype. Later I will make plans with Michele for her birthday lunch. We’ll talk about writing. I enjoy her company. My life is full and satisfying.

Day 253

After church and one good walk I sat. Watched old movies and reruns. Meanwhile, it was great weather for getting yard work done. I went to bed with regret. Today I will do a better job with time and effort. Talked with Kelle and she wondered if the shock and strain from the incident with the truck had anything to do with the brain event. I doubt there is any way of knowing.  There is no way of knowing what I can expect now.

Day 252

Two pieces of mail yesterday have me thinking deeply about my future. One was from AARP saying that I need to take their drivers’ course again and the other from the DMV saying I need to renew my drivers’ license before my birthday. I am fairly confident driving in town. Once a month I take the dogs to the groomer and occasional visits to the vet. Sometimes I want more groceries than I want to carry. Otherwise my almost 22 year old car sits.

Day 251

The visitors were interesting and the long walk was successful. The weather is holding cool and clear and I want to be outside a lot. No farmers’ market and I miss the socializing part. It is always a place for quick catch-up conversations and hugs. I need to expand my network to find more creative activities. It’s essential in the dark months to have a schedule or I sit too much. I don’t feel like getting committed to serious writing with Amy and Michele.

Day 250

The stories were heart felt and the sharing comes from trust. I enjoy the group so much. Today is CofC. I expect it will be quiet again. It’s still a good volunteer place for visiting with the visitors. I like the stories and when it’s quiet we have time to listen. Later, a good long walk. Yesterday I stayed away from the highway as the doctor suggested and walked to the park. No truck grills to stare at. I will recover from both traumas.