Day 218

Sunday was a day of rest or  a near coma. No energy or interest in moving due to rain and wind or just because. I sang in church. That was all I produced: a joyful sound. Giants lost. No games until spring training.  This morning started out with a clean bed including taking off the cotton quilt and putting on the down comforter. Early for the change. I am hoping for a good day and that would mean I accomplished something and enjoyed it.

Day 217

I was happy to do little for most of the day then got a shot of physical energy and took a brisk walk. This has happened before and the ability to feel energetic is welcome as I haven’t felt normal since the collapse on the hill. Today I’ll go to church. I didn’t go last week as I just didn’t feel well. I want “normal” back. I’m not good at wimpy and weak. Last Giants game of he season. Hope they beat the Dodgers.

Day 216

Duty at the CofC was steady people and they were pleasant. Michele and I went to Wing wah for hot and sour soup followed by picking apples at the neighbors. This morning Karen is coming to pick apples. I’m glad the neighbor said we could take all we wanted. I have made applesauce from those apples and it was tart the way I like it. Hollie will come by after her breakfast with her friends. I don’t know if I’ll go to the market.

Day 215

The day improved and by late afternoon I was feeling normal. Today has a busy agenda: start early with a visit from the security co. to replace the tweeting monitor in the kitchen, then the CofC with Michele, Hollie may pick me up for lunch, and later, a head scan at Sutter. I want information about what happened that resulted in the collapse on the hill. The grass seed I planted in Meg’s yard is showing up! A path will save lots of mud.

Day 214

Dr. ruled out  a stroke caused fall. I’ve already had the pulmonary function test. It was tiring and I stopped at Art’s BBQ on the way home for a chicken dinner. More tests to come including PT to assess my walking. Today I will focus on my house and yard plus walking. I may get Meg’s grass raked and reseeded. Hope to have enough physical energy to produce some results. Right now my mind says “let’s do it” and my body declines the offer.

Day 213

BOS short and out. Businesslike and no drama there. Neighborhood drama related to the ongoing squatter across the street. More sheriffs, handcuffs, etc. and maybe this time will be the last. He cleaned out his things and the house is posted. Hope it’s over. Don’t like having an outlaw so close by. Today Hollie is going with me to see Dr. V. I want to know why I collapsed. Later, last duty at the museum for the season. I need something new to do.

Day 212

Yesterday was modestly improved. I had two slow walks, made applesauce, cleaned part of  Megan’s deck, made a nutritious dinner, and acted as if I was whole. I’m not. Something is not working properly and my hope is that Dr. V. will figure out what needs to happen next. I’m good at following through when I know what to do. Today is BOS and I will attend. The agenda looks simple and often that’s when I end up sitting for hours. Life goes on.

Day 211

Sunday went by with practically no activity. I did get a short walk in the mist before he rain started. Felt good to be out and I only went around the block. Hollie has asked me not to go far until we find out what is going on in my body. The Giants won their game and a whole lot of reruns graced the TV. Today will also be quiet although I hope to pull weeds and walk farther. I want my life back.

Day 210

I walked alone to the market and bought green beans and zucchini/ Sat for while in the Dem booth before starting home. I walked the long way home as going up the hill didn’t feel like a good idea. Hollie took me grocery shopping and now the cupboard is stocked and lots of sweet potatoes and cauliflower for dogs. Fr. Tom will be at church and I will decide later if I feel like going. I want my confidence back. I’m not a wimp.

Day 209

I didn’t go to the CofC. I dithered so long that I decided it must be a bad idea.  I got a short walk but felt fragile and that’s not a normal reaction to going out the door. Farmers’ market today and I will go plus grocery shop too. I hope to have some yard energy as there is much to do and nobody is going to do it for me. The joy of home ownership! Life goes on after a trauma. Embrace it.

Day 208

Tea and stories group was definitely the high spot of the week. The sharing and humor are priceless. They listened to my tale of woe and contributed support for healing. Today I will go to the CofC and hope that I can be useful. If I get weary I will come home. No sense in using up my energy and getting worn out. Until I know for sure what happened that caused the fall last Monday, I will be cautious. I’ll find out Wednesday.      

Day 207

It was busy at the museum and by 1 PM I was tired and did not go to Tracy. Maybe tomorrow as my neck still aches. I slept well and had memories of group experiences. It was a pleasant reverie. This morning I will get busy with my housework. The floors need attention after a couple of wet days. It’s Tea and Stories day. Laurie and Delia won’t be here and four is still a group. I’m feeling strong and ready for domestic chores.

Way back when my car was young, I went to a workshop with my women’s group called Art as Medicine. It was facilitated by Bill Kucha, an artist and shaman. It was a tight group with trust and deep sharing. As part of the process, we each picked out a part of our mutual painting as personally meaningful. I found a castle and talked about it. One of my friends said, “It has no doors or windows. How do you get out?” My reply,” It’s a safe place. Nobody can get in.” Bill asked me how long I had needed a safe place. A long time was my answer. One of the women said she was sorry that she hadn’t noticed my withdrawal as I was good at faking my social participation.

Later, at home, I painted the castle and kept it where I could see it. It triggered a need to get out of the substantial walls I had built. I had a phone number for a therapist in Arcata and connected to Marilyn Fox. In our first session, I described my flat line emotional range and how I manufactured social energy. She called my condition unresolved grief. Grief comes from loss, regret, guilt, disappointment, errors in judgement, mistakes, all the human ways we break trust with ourselves. If I refused to feel pain, then I couldn’t feel joy either. Little by little over time I lost emotional range. Every time I said “Oh well” and moved on, I lost more emotional choice. Marilyn gave me tools to sort out and unpack the past and how to notice quickly if I was about to fall into the emotional abyss again. And I went back to my painting and added windows, doors, and a bridge across the moat.

What does this have to do with our prompt? Write about a time when everything changed in the blink of an eye. August 5^th, at 2;30 PM at the corner of Ninth and H streets when I was walking home from the post office, I was an inch from dying under a blue truck. It brushed my arm as I sprinted.  I got to the stop sign post by magic, heart beating hard and short of breath. The woman driving the truck parked about a half block away and yelled out her window, “I’m sorry.”

My life changed in that split second. I have always enjoyed walking. It’s why I bought my house so I could walk to work and walk to town. Now I no longer feel confident that I was safe in the crosswalk even with my years of experience as a pedestrian. Now I feel vulnerable and fragile. I wait for signals from drivers and I know the woman did not have her turn signal light on. I think she was on her phone. The result of the incident is flashbacks of the vehicle’s grill right at eye level in front of me. When I grabbed onto the post I held myself up while my knees wanted to give way but I didn’t want the drama of collapsing on the sidewalk. I wobbled home and sat for an hour waiting for my heart and breath to resume normal rhythms.

What tools do I have for clearing this experience? Desensitizing. So, the next day, I walked across the intersection several times. Felt okay. See, it’s over already. I’m alive and the incident is history. Wait, Not so fast. Even with several trips across the intersection, the deep shock was just beginning to wear off and the next phase was getting hold of my well-being. A few days later as I was killing a shrub in the front yard, my neighbor, John Wood, came along and asked if I was doing okay with the veh vs me experience. Well, I said, if you count sudden flare ups of anger, fuzzy brain, light to no sleep, inability to focus etc.as okay, then I guess I am. Well, he said you have checked all the boxes for PTSD. John is a vet with the condition and has gone to trainings at the VA to start groups here. Our conversation helped. Later, I walked down H st. and saw an old friend, Linda Boatman. She asked too. I told her my status. She grabbed my arm and we walked across the street together. That helped too. Allowing support from others who understand are part of the tool kit.

Tell the story. I wrote and posted the incident on facebook. Telling the story also takes the emotional charge from it. The post response was supportive and I felt the care from my friends. Nearly everyone has had a traumatic happening. Hearing from others has helped too.

The tool kit includes writing. I’m doing that now. By the time the trauma is word ripe, it’s ready to move into history. By writing and sharing I am losing the flashbacks of the grill right at eye level. I used my survival instinct to live and that’s what matters. I will be mindful of my mental state as I know processes are spiral and a bit could come back and bite me again.

I do not want to build any thick walled fortresses

Day 206

Friends are the best medicine. In spite of a winter storm complete with sideways rain, we had a warm and cozy lunch at Seaquake. It is always stimulating and intimate. I am blessed with good friends. Our conversations go all over the place. Today I will splash in puddles on the way to museum duty. Later I will go to Tracy for a neck treatment. I feel well and ready for the day. I may pick up Mexican food for dinner after seeing Tracy.

Day 205

It wasn’t interesting at all. It was falling down on Cooper hill and being rescued by strangers followed by two hours in the Emergency Room. I had a blood pressure spike that knocked me down. Two guys picked me up and a woman drove me home. Hollie came and sat with me while the medication took my number down to reasonable. Okay, I’ll take the darn pills. I don’t like to. Today is going to Seaquake with Karen and Rosalie to celebrate Karen’s birthday..

Day 204

It’s official change of seasons from brown lawn to green lawn. The rain started while Linda Lee and I were having lunch at Good Harvest. The church service was meaningful. Fr. Eric’s sermon was relevant. Afterwards, the coffee hour was friendly and lots of conversation. Then the R&R took over and I napped while the Giants won their game followed by onion soup. Today, no outside agenda. Wonder what I’ll find to do? I know I’ll get out for a walk plus something interesting.

Day 203

I‘m achy from working hard and creating a grass path by myself. It was a path or the gate would be closed for the winter and she could deal with mud. It was not my project and she and her dad just left the mess. Today Fr. Eric is coming to church and I invited Linda Lee to come to meet him. We will go to lunch after. May jump back into the cleaning process but chances are that I will rest instead.

Day 202

Good duty at the CofC. People on vacation are pleasant and grateful for help. I like being there even when it’s not busy with people, there are things to do. Worked in Megans’ yard again. It is a mess and she is oblivious and not interested in noticing. I was weary before I finished what I wanted to get done. I walked and felt weak and uncoordinated. Glad to get home and rest. Today I’ll be back at it and she will be helping.

Day 201

Worked in Megan’s yard and cleared one area. I gave her a landlady talk and she made contacts to get the yard cleaned and planted with lawn. She had a good start and then disappeared into her time with Katherine’s illness and death. There is more that I can do too and hope to get busy when I come home from the CofC duty. The weather has been perfect for outside work and walking. The dark is coming and I want to be ready.

Day 200

Yesterday started shaky and ended strong. Museum duty was slow but interesting and after a big lunch I walked the long block easily. Got my 10K for the first time in a couple of months. Today will start with driving to grocery shopping and then I’m going to tackle Megan's yard. My goal is raking the grass by the sunporch and reseeding it. She needs to get back to working on the rocks. It’s a mess. Maybe she can get her father to help.

Day 199

The meeting was informative. Gitlin showed his hate again. What an ugly soul! Karen used her massage skill to balance my system. She does good work for me. I woke up feeling shaky and not on top of my game. Coffee helped but I am not a ball of monkeys yet. It is museum day and there are only three more for the season. I enjoy the duty, the other volunteers, and he visitors. I will look for another duty somewhere for the winter.

Day 198

Teeth clean and program accepted. Steph was excited about our offering and Rosalie was stoked too. After I walked home and fell into my chair, I knew that I wasn’t ready to go to the Dem meeting. I may step out of the committee before my term is up as I realize that I am not a sit and plan person. I like the doing parts and I can participate without having a chair at the table. Today is BOS. The agenda looks interesting.

Day 197

Feels like cool and damp Autumn already. Church was satisfying. MP with Mike preaching. Had conversations with Karen and Gayle. I like the new members. I don’t feel so needed. There are people now to do the parts that I don’t want to do any longer. Today I have appointments with the dentist for routine exam and cleaning and with Steph Wenning with Rosalie to pitch our program. Later I will attend the Dem committee meeting. More writing about the incident with thee truck.

Day 196

Brief shower overnight has refreshed the air. Yesterday was the rest I wanted: a Netflix movie, two naps and Giants beat the dodgers plus a good long walk. That was the recharge I needed. Today is Morning Prayer and hope to feel like socializing. A few good nights sleep and I am feeling better. I have been writing in my mind. I will sit down and get the words on paper. Writing is therapy and I need to clear the vehicle vs me incident.

Day 195

The CofC was slower but still interesting. I like the haircut. It’s just what I wanted. The dogs are clean and cute. Had a big salad for dinner. Hollie will come for the farmers’ market and to pick pears. The trees are full and juicy pears await munching. Yesterday the simple tasks of taking the dogs and getting the haircut were more tiring than I would like to admit. I napped in the chair until bedtime and still slept eight hours. Need strength exercises.

Day 194

Good restful sleep, finally. Maybe the 1:1 or the exercise or the productive day. Rosalie had constructive ideas about my piece of the process. I like the way it’s going together. We have a proposal appointment with Steph on Monday. Tea and stories was full of deep sharing and exchanging knowledge of each other.  I prize the time with women.. Today is CofC duty. The visitor season has slowed to a crawl. Later, dogs go to the spa and I get a hair cut.

Day 193

The museum duty was slow and I walked up and down the stairs a lot. The green beans were gone at the farmers’ market and I bought cabbage and peppers plus BBQ chicken  lunch at Rebecca’s stand. Rosalie sent her piece on Finding Purpose that stimulated me into writing while the car was being serviced. I can put my part on paper before we meet for lunch. Later is Tea and stories group and it’s always a treat. I enjoy the sharing and socializing.

He has a headache. I sit on the edge of the bed in the dark room and listen to waves of wind driven rain rhythmically battering the window. “Give me an hour.”  “I don’t have another hour.” I have been pacing throughout the night with the waves of labor rhythmically battering my body. “I’ll take myself.” As I start to get dressed, he groans. “Oh, all right. I’ll get up.” He pulls on his clothes. “Wait by the door.” He goes into the storm to the P. L. office where the only phone in Scotia is located. I pace and sit and pace and sit. This baby is not going to wait for her father to take us to the doctor and the hospital. I go to bed and try to relax when in one big push my baby is born. I pick her up and lay her on my chest where I feel her lungs expand and she lets out a greeting that makes me smile and laugh out loud. I pull up the sheet to cover us as she raises her head and looks me in the eyes. She squirms and it feels familiar as she has been doing that in my womb. It takes an hour for her father to return. He messed up the phone calls, ending up calling his mother for help. When he gets back to the house, he has locked himself out and needs to break down the front door. Then he takes out his pocket knife and cuts the cord, wraps her in one of his undershirts and leaves again. This time he goes the few blocks to the hospital and brings back a nurse who delivers the afterbirth. We are taken to the hospital where I can’t go in the ward and she can’t go in the nursery so they stick us in a storeroom for a few hours and then send us home. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

Day 192

I did improve my activity and attitude yesterday. Filled the green bin while talking with John Wood about the PTSD that is with me since the sprint for my life. He said I have classic symptoms. I walked the long block with an energy that hasn’t happened for months. I’ll take signs of wellness with joy. Today is museum duty followed by the farmers’ market for vegs and then the car goes to Coast for service .Kelle and Hollie added 500 miles. Good old car.

Day 191

Yesterday was miserable because of my choice to watch the holy crap news. I felt stuck with the storm, boat fire, and another shooting. I did push myself out the door for three short walks but the doom and gloom had a hold on my mood. Today the dogs go to the spa and I do my quick step at Wally’s for Adams peanut butter. I need to get busy with activities that are positive and get back to my usual frame of mind.

Day 190

Church was Morning Prayer with our new guy giving the sermon. It’s refreshing to have new people taking part in the service. I took a brief walk and a nap. Saturday was fun and tiring so a kick back day was just right. Today is Labor Day and I have no agenda. I have writing to do for the proposal with Rosalie. I’ll get to it before our meeting. Kelle said she wanted to come for Christmas. I said NO. Maybe Fourth of July.

Day 189

Yesterday was full and satisfying from the point of view of contributing to the community as a Dem and as a teacher. I set up the front table, found helpers, reminded us how the table should be set and added Art and Ellen to the group. They helped with decorations and worked well. My two writers came and shared their stories. I helped them connect to keep their writing going. It was a long involved day starting with saying good-bye to Laurie at 6am..